McBlog with Cheese

Predictions and diagnosis....

2009-11-06T01:29:00.000-08:00

Why, hello there old blog, I haven't written since June! I've had a lot on my plate. I had to move out of a house that I lived in for nearly 17 years... can you imagine? Does anyone out there know or remember what that feels like? It was a huge job, and although I had friends and loved ones around to help me, it was still huge. Emotionally and physically.
Last time I wrote it was about DJ being diagnosed with lung cancer. The vet said she would have 2 months at best. She is still here with me, 5 months later, although lately she's showing signs of a decline. She's lost a ton of weight and she's all skin and bones. She strains to breathe, and she sounds like she's filled with water on the inside. When she meows, its more like a sputter and some groans. She lets nearly everyone pet her now, even small children, which is sooooo not like her. On the other hand, she purrs and seems happy whenever you do pet her. Maybe she knows she will soon be with my mom. I don't know, but it worries and saddens me. Since she's a cat, she cannot speak to me to tell me if she is in pain or not. Her changed behavior makes me feel suspect. I watch her when I can and try to make her feel ok. She's still eating... but I am surprised at that. She looks bad.

I have been in this weird limbo, living with only part of my belongings in a home with some friends for the past few months, (the rest of my things in storage) and a marriage in this house that is trying to salvage, I just try to stay out of the way. I want this family to mend and I wouldn't mind moving along, it's hopeful to see them coming back together, especially with a 2 year old, but SB rents are horrific... and I hate moving. I've been looking and I don't see much out there that encourages me. Seems like anything I take will be a gigantic lifestyle change, and not for the better. I don't want to move until after the new year at least... I hope.

I worry a lot about having a sick pet on top of it all, especially one that is highly sensitive to changes, and one that I made a promise to care for. DJ means a lot to me, because she was my mom's favorite thing, and I want her to be safe and as comfortable as can be.

Another broken link

2009-06-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Before my mom died, when she was very sick, I promised her I would take care of her cat, DJ. She loved this cat more than anything. My brother and I used to joke that she loved the cat more than she loved us. So the time came when DJ became my responsibility. DJ is neurotic in the literal sense. She's high strung and hisses and growls about 100 times a day. She was one of those pets who only loved her master, (and she is a pet only her master could love!). In the absence of my mother she has been thrown into a world of stress. She HATES my cat, (who is her half sister) and she only will begrudgingly let me pet her for a moment or two before she is done with me too. It has taken me a very long time to get her acclimated here.

My mother never had DJ spayed, so great was her love for this animal, she was dreadfully afraid of anything happening to her under the anesthesia (!!!). Naturally I had this done as soon as she became my cat. It was not a simple operation anymore because by this time DJ was about 11 years old. The vet found a golf ball sized tumor on one of her ovaries, the biggest one he'd ever seen, he said. It was just in time. I was hoping that after the surgery she would calm down and mellow out. Without the hormones coursing through her body and without going into heat every few months, she'd become calm and happy. Nope. She didn't change at all, her hair just got longer and thicker. She was still the same old head case of a cat. Neurotic to the core.

About a month ago she started to cough. It was a rough cough, and didn't go away, so this morning I finally got her to the vet. They examined her and took X-rays of her chest. The vet came back with the initial diagnosis of lung cancer. I was stunned.
Thank God my poor mama wasn't here to get that news, it would have killed her. She was so emotional when it came to the family pets. I am too, but she really loved this cat. DJ was her baby. Part of the family. I was just in shock. I expected a simple cold and some kitty antibiotics, and yet here was this nasty news. No. Not another thing. Not one more. They say God only gives you what you can handle, and if that is so, I wonder what He's doing to me because I just can't take anymore bad news. I can't. I didn't realize how much I cared for DJ. This rotten hissing unfortunate beast of a cat... and yet I love her. I love her because she was my mom's favorite thing. And now, in the face of losing her, I am reminded again how much my mom isn't here, she's not coming back and the things she loved and that touched her are slowly disappearing too. It's another broken link to the time when I could still talk to her, hug her, call out "mom". This news today knocked me down.
Poor DJ.
I'm hoping it will turn out to not be cancer, but it doesn't look good. If it is she will only have a couple of months at best. I will be so very sad to see her go. I hate the thought of it so much! And here it is, time for me to move out of my beloved home... there is a chance I'll be floating around for a month or two while I am in between houses. This is not a good scenario with an aging sick cat with cancer! I am so afraid of what the next few months will bring! What will I DO if I do not have a new home come August 1st????

All glued up

2009-05-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

As some of you might know, I've lived in this same house for 17 years, on and off. It's home, a place where I put down roots. Two days ago I received notice that I will have to move out by August 1st. I was stunned. A notice to move is a bummer for most people, an annoyance, a pain in the ass, but it's monumental to me. A huge life change. Stability is a major theme in my life, and I've strived for it, fought for it, despite the odds I was dealt growing up. I've also enjoyed cheap rent for all these years, enabling me to save up for a down payment on my own house one day, but the prices in Santa Barbara have left me behind. It won't happen for me here unless I find a miracle, and now I face a double in rent at least.

Looking around the house I've noticed how much stuff can accumulate in 17 years, and I'm a packrat. I've got furniture, art supplies, art, records, clothing and knick-knacks enough to fill my own 3 bedroom house! I have a relationship with my stuff. I know I'm going to have to trim it down by nearly half when I leave. While I know this will be liberating, I am dreading it.
I've been thinking about these things for 3 days now.

Today in the shower I used the last of one of my mom's bottles of shampoo. When I cleared out her house after she died I took things home with me, things I could use, like her household items and some cherished photos and mementos. The rest I was forced to dispose of. It was difficult. Over the last year and a half the shampoo bottles have been in my shower. I use them sparingly, careful not to get to the end. The thought of using them up and throwing them away makes me unbelievably sad.
Maybe it's because it was hers and she used it, I still had some sort of link to her that wasn't gone yet. Her hands touched this bottle... so that means I cannot be too far from her in time, right? This is the same logic that applies when one balls up a piece of paper to throw in the wastebasket and they think, 'If this makes it in the basket he/she will love me...'. Who hasn't thought that way once or twice in their life? I do not want the time to pass when I had her in my life. I don't want her shampoo to be gone because she'll never give me anything again that her lovely hands touched. I want to be closer to that time, not further away. It is a faulty logic, but one I cannot shed.
Now I've got to go through all my stuff. Have a gargage sale. Sell off pieces of me. Shed that skin, that time. I know it will help me to move into the future, but what if I don't want to? What if I want to go back in time instead? It seems safer and happier back then. The last few years have proven that to me. Heading into the future doesn't seem like a lot of fun. When did that happen to me? I never used to think that way. I've lost far too much. Maybe that's why I hang on so tightly to my stuff. Well, the time has really come for me to let GO. I've spent time with friends who have lost parents, children, spouses, and they are doing well. They lifted me up and inspired me, but soon after I am left again with my own thoughts and they seem to go to a dark place.

If there is a such thing as energy flow, mine has been all glued up for some time. No in with the good (new), out with the bad (old). Nothing but sticky black grief, fear and regret. Nothing green can grow up and flower out of that kind of soil. I need to break it up. I know this move will help me do that, so why do I loathe the idea of it so much? I've got to change my thinking on this. My whole life is an open book right now. I should embrace it, but... God, I hope it gets easier somehow.

GRAFFITI IS FUN!

2008-12-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Cool website of the day:
www.picturesofwalls.com
Wonderful fun graffiti site.
These are great.

And this one... HOLY SHIT!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-25T02:06:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday Mom.
Hey friends, I want to share some Christmas music with you. I'm a big fan of Kim Shattuck (from the Muffs) and she has a website with Christmas music podcasts that you can download and put on your iPod. Nice! This is definitely something I would do. I've been putting together Christmas mixes for years. So if you are one of those who can get into the Christmas spirit, then this is for you:

Visit Kim Shattuck's Blog!

365 days

2008-12-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother's death.

It still seems so surreal. Although a whole year has passed, I find that I am still in the grieving process. As the one year marker approached, I dreaded its' coming, as if somehow it would solidify the fact of her death even more, make it irreversible. Sometimes it feels as if a lot of time has passed, sometimes it feels like no time at all. She often shows up in my dreams, always alive.
I remember every second of the day that she died. I remember getting to the hospice in the morning and finding her in a state of severe and grave agitation. Just the night before she seemed fine. Sick, but not this close to death. Now her eyes were black and wide as saucers. She could barely speak. She was gasping wildly for air. They had to keep giving her sedatives to calm her down so she could find some semblance of relaxation, but it was impossible. I kneeled beside her bed and held her hand. I told her over and over how much I loved her. Her last words to me were "I love you". She rasped them out, pushing them like deep exhalations and I could see it took great effort. I wanted to be there with her, for her. Looking back now, I realize how beautiful it is for her last words to be "I love you".
The rest was awful for me, so no need to recount it here. Suffice it to say I've had a very difficult time dealing with it. There were (are) so many accompanying emotions to losing someone close to you, especially if you were their caretaker, such as I was with my mom. You feel pain, fear, anger, denial, shock, yearning, guilt, humiliation, disbelief and all of the above again and again, with emphasis and power. There have been times in the past year where I have even begun to doubt my own mental health. I have found through reading and grief counsel that this is all normal. I have found, also, that the grieving process is different for everyone and that it is entirely normal to still be grieving after a year has passed. No one is on a specific time-line. Your whole life changes when you lose someone very close to you.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things for me to deal with throughout the grieving process was my apparent loss of faith. I became obsessed with death and the afterlife (or worse... a lack of one). I was forced to confront death, life and what it all means. I had to look deeper into the nature and purpose of life and what I came up with were a ton of questions, all confusing and scary, and with no concrete answers. What is the nature of that energy, that power, that consciousness which, when it was in that body, caused it to think, speak, move, love, feel and create? Now that it is gone, there is a mass of cells that will soon decompose, or as in her case be cremated. What then? What is life? What is its purpose? Before all of this happened my Christian faith comforted and carried me. I never thought much of those things. They all seemed too far away and I accepted with blind faith that when we die we would be with God. Now, I feel so far from God, and I wonder, to my horror, if God could be something we humans devise to make ourselves feel better. I have friends that believe this very firmly. I do not. Doubting God's existence feels horrible to me, like blasphemy, and then I feel guilty and bad for thinking these thoughts, so I pray, and find little or no comfort. Why?

A couple of weeks ago I was surprised to hear from an old boyfriend of mine. I had not seen him in 15 years or so. He lives in Japan. I had never expected to hear from him again, so it was quite a surprise. It was really wonderful to see him and I left our meeting with a feeling of hope and strength. He had lost a son in a horrible way and it broke my heart to hear his story. But he looked so well, so healthy and it seemed as if he was in a very good place, a very strong, solid frame of mind. Of course he had had more time to deal with his loss than I have, but still, I felt comfort and goodness in the fact that he was doing well and hope that I would be too. His parting words to me were advice to not take the holidays so hard. He reminded me that it was a man-made construct. It means nothing, he said. My mother was born on Christmas day. My faith dictates that it does not mean nothing, as it is also the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord. Perhaps it is easier for Ted to retain that line of thinking. He is a very free spirit. He practices Buddhism. But... I appreciated his advice and I plan to put it into action. No one can help me do this but myself. I can decide how I live from here on out.

I never intended this blog to turn into a blog about depression and loss. Originally I thought I'd share all of my kooky finds, my thoughts, my art, stories and inspirations here. It has turned into something sad because my life has been something sad for quite some time now. I know it is up to me and me alone to change that. I intend to live every day like it is a gift, because it is. I will begin trying as of now. Yesterday I bought a sequoia redwood tree. I plan on planting it in memory of my mom. It is a native Californian species, so it makes a perfect tree for my native California born mother. I'll sneak it into an inconspicuous place on the coast, somewhere where it won't harm anything around it by growing into a huge and majestic thing. I also bought 3 small beautiful succulent plants, ones I don't already have in my garden. I bought them to symbolize the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I planted them this afternoon in a terra cotta pot and added them to my garden. I do not want to lose my faith, even while I question it.

Santa Barbara is on fire! (again)

2008-11-14T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hi friends,
I am sure you've heard about the Tea Fire if you aren't in SB. Everyone we know seems to be OK. It's mostly the luxury estate homes that have been affected. I thought I'd post a note to all my dear ones who are not here in town. In the last 24 hours it's been quite dramatic around here!

Pics cannot really capture the magnitude of this fire, how hot it is, how close and real it is. I could hear sirens and hellicopters all night throughout my sleep, and I was very thankful to be on the ocean-side of this thing. And it's made me think close and hard about what I would take in a moment's notice if I had to evacuate. Everything outside is already covered in ash!

I'm curious after this disaster blows over to hear more about it's origins. It's even been on CNN this morning. National news. Last night from work I could see 50 ft. flames engulging houses on the hill like balls of newspaper in a fireplace. It was crazy! So close! So big! There has been over 100 homes lost so far, most of them luxury estates in Oprah's neighborhood, (Rob Lowe, Mr. Lucky Jeans, those kinds of places). Westmont College lost a couple of buildings and there was a monastary destroyed. We lost power all night, so we had to close the business. It was strange working only by candlelight. I am going to the gym and I'm going to stay there all afternoon... for a little air conditioning and some fresh air, and oh yeah... excersize. ha ha. It's about 1,000 sweltering degrees in my house. HOTTER THAN HELL.... and in NOVEMBER, no less!!! The DAY before my birthday! I'm so tired of the hot weather, I can't wait for a cold day or some rain. A rain storm would be a lovely birthday present.
Air quality here is rotten and on red alert, so I've had to close all my doors and windows. It's freakin' HOT, Baby!!!! Ouch!
XO
Love,
~Sheryl

Swiffer, please!

2008-10-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, getting ready for bed, I look around my room. I've had my nose buried in a good book for the last hour and I'm tired, but I've had an epiphany.

This view, from my bed is a familiar one, one that I've seen for years. From this angle,though, I notice something I've not noticed before. I can view the backside of my computer, with it's mess of cords. I see the dust on my desk behind it, and the dust in between the keys of my computer's keyboard from behind, dust that, apparently my diligent cleaning has missed. Somehow, this insidious dust has lodged itself in between every key, probably slowing things down and making the air considerably less breathable. This is a keyboard I use every day for extended periods of time. I type a lot, so how could so much dust settle there? I just cleaned this area extensively the other day!
So it makes me think.
How much dust has settled in my life and how can I breathe with it here just suffocating me?
How has my cleaning/excercise/therapy/prayers/art/work missed it? How did so much of this crap accumalate? Why is there still all this dust from my past in my life? Is it hindering me from making a clean start? If so, why am I so afraid to simply clean it up?

They say that there is a turnover of atoms in the human body every seven years, that every cell in your being is regenerated in that cycle. If that's the case, then I'm sure as hell due for an OVERHAUL!!!!

My room is a creative familiar and loved mess of overcrowded objects. Things that make me happy or comforted are gathered here. Things left untouched and unmoved for years, like a grandparent's box of cherished mementos. I could probably get rid of over half the items in here and still feel O.K., still function and maybe be even more comfortable, but I haven't. I don't dare move a thing. I realize that I've been in a state of non-movement for what seems like forever.
For years.
I've been sad.
Unbelievably sad. --- Beyond sad.
My life has gone to pieces and I am so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn't pick myself out of a police line-up! Sometimes when I dress into clothes from my pajamas and look at myself in the mirror before going out and facing the world I do a double-take and then wince, WHO the fuck IS that? It's not me! I don't even know that pathetic person...

Anyhow, I realize why I don't just leave here. I realize that IF I left... I would be leaving behind the last place that my mom saw me living in while she was alive. We had so many Thanksgivings and Christmases here. I'd be leaving behind the last place that Jeff loved me in. I'd be leaving behind the last physical evidence of my old life... the nostalgia of it overwhelms and paralyzes me. The life I once had, the one with so many dreams and hopes... lost, gone forever. This house, that those people I loved saw me in. This place, where I put down so many cherished roots. Any new house I live in will never be seen by those people, in my former life who loved that person I once was.

I realized that I actually sometimes unconsciously or subconsciously entertain the idea that my mom will come back one day! (I know that it's preposterous, but I think I do it!) Don't all people who have lost a loved one do that at some point? Isn't that the hardest part, wrapping your mind around the cold realization that you will NEVER AGAIN see that person in your lifetime? And I know that if...(when) I leave here, that notion of connectedness to her in the physical tense will be blown to bits. So I don't dare leave. I'd rather hang onto a dream or a shred of nostalgia than to try to take a chance for change. I hang onto things so fiercly, so all encompassing and entirely, even if they are gone. I cannot bear to let go, even if letting go might free me. I am in desperate dire need of drastic transformational change in my life, yet I cling, and don't budge. Is it even normal for a person to miss her mom that much? Maybe. Losing a cherished family member has got to be one of the more CRUEL and FUCKED UP elements in this life. Or is this all some strange measure of control that I think I can keep over my destiny by staying here in this "safe" place that I know? I know that I used to like that person I was, and I don't like this new strange timid person I am now. I knew who that person was, this new one? Well, I don't know her at all and I'm skeptical. Afraid.
So it is.
I am stuck.

I am dying here in a world of dust and I need to break free.

On Happiness...

2008-09-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well Hello!
I'm back. Seems I haven't had time to write in ages. I've also not had too much to write about. I'm not sure I want to keep on writing about depression and how it affects me. I miss my mom every day. Strange how particular little things will bring it on... smells or passing by a certain building, like last night when I went to rent a movie I had to walk past the Victoria Court Post Office. Memories of my mom flooded through me. I just got so sad. It's hard to explain how the world is to me now with her gone. It's a different place. Emptier, for sure. I feel cheated when I think of how young she was when she died, how she died. I wish she had been healthier. I wish she knew how to take better care of herself and had been happier (that's what I wish the most). I also am fearful that I would ever follow in her footsteps. I must always strive to live my best life. I remember once asking my mom what would make her happy. She paused for a long time, not really having an easy answer. That was an eye opener. I have since thought of that question a lot. What makes you happy? And like her, I'm not so sure. That scares me a little. So today I comprised a quick surface off the cuff list.
Some things that make me happy are:
*A good day at the beach
*finishing a painting and feeling really good about it
*getting flowers (thanks, e!)
*Thinking about buying my first house & how that'll feel
*gardening
*a really good meal
*my friends
*really good wine
*out of town friends who visit
*my phsycho kitties
*the blue jays at my house
*trying something new and exhilarating, like white water rafting

That's a simple enough list. So I've done or had all of those things lately, but overall am I happy? I mean really happy? No. So maybe I'll need to think on this basic question a little more. Maybe we all should, instead of just going through the motions. Maybe my happiness is overshadowed by the loss of my mom and what the healing process entails, or maybe the happiness vein is a little deeper in the mine and I just haven't struck it yet. I don't know, but I could sure use a little more happiness in my life.

In other mundane day to day life, I've been working out at UCSB, temping here with a friend of mine, who works in the communication dept. I answer phones for the whole campus. It's actually fun. The scope of all the different calls I get is colorful and wide, and I get to surf the internet all day long in between calls, a definite plus. Some of the callers are SO STUPID! Oh, man, I cannot believe these people are associated with higher education. I could write volumes on some of these callers (people actually peeing while on the phone with me!). I'm on my last few days of a 4 week stint and I've got a really bad cold. I'm trying to land a regular job out here at UCSB and finally quit the Palace (Oh, God, Hallelujah, that will be the day!) I will celebrate on THAT day!

Lastly, have you ever left your laundry in the washer too long and then it takes on a horrible musty smell? UGH! I must have done that, because this morning the pants I put on reek like someone's disgusting dirty feet!!!! Ha ha. Of course I didn't notice this until I got in my car and it was too late. Now I have to live with this damp moldy crevice-cheese stench all day before I can get home and feel clean.
Y-U-U-Y-Y-Yucky!

I leave you with today's website picks-O-the day:

www.cuteoverload.com
www.uglyoverload.blogspot.com

And Today's thought:
"Run towards your fears.

Embrace them.

On the other side of your

greatest fears lives your

greatest life".

--Robin Sharma

Arevaderchi, Bellas!

Time Warp!

2008-06-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

I have to take a little break from the constant cutting and pasting I've been doing. I'm working on a few new paintings. If you are not familiar with my art, I like to make collages of black and white clip art gleaned from old magazines and other various sources. I cut a lot of images out before I head down to my local Kinko's, where I make a sort of themed wall paper out of it all (I have to do that because the ink they use in the printers there doesn't run when I put paint over it). I then lay it all down with flat glue before painting on top of it and then putting it in a vintage frame. the finished products look something like this one:

It's a multi-step process, and it takes a lot of time. I have about 4 paintings going right now, so I've been perusing old magazines and clip art books for days on end. I feel like I'm living in another time! It definitely affects me when I've been doing it for too long. The images and words take hold in my brain and lodge themselves there. My vision is tinted through vintage glasses.
Right now I'm working on Western themes of Old California and warm kitchen themes with home cooking and comfort images in the background. I have a pile of Old West magazines which not only yield great images, but funny stories too... 'Woman Hater: Ned Mersfelder' or 'Catch More Critters!' and 'Texas' Best Hobo'.

I also have a great stack of old Sunset magazines... they are fantastic, with downright beautiful fonts, hilariously funny modern product names, and gorgeous colors and placing.

I like the blue gloved hand holding the product
(or is it a recipe book?) in this cake ad! HA!

Some of the ads are so sexist it's hard to believe! They'd have us all barefoot and in aprons with 2.5 kids and dinner to prepare! Even so, there is a familiar warm and comfortable quality about it all. Something safe. Something known. This one kind of turns me on though... is that bad? HA! HA! HA! Really? Your husband would spank you if he knew you were taking the risk of serving him stale coffee? My oh my!

O.K. Back to work with me!

Hot, Hot, Hot

2008-06-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Helly Bloggy,
I've been lackadaisical in writing lately. It's too freakin' hot, and not much has been going on. The heat wave topped out at temperatures in the high eighties and low nineties in Santa Barbara. I can only imagine what LA must have been like. I was one of the lucky ones that got to go to the beach every single day of the heat wave. I floated, euphorically, in the ocean, where the water temp was a cool 64 degrees. Ahhhh. My favorite place. I felt like I was on a mini-vacation.
Despite my best efforts, umbrellas, sunscreen, I still got a little sunburned. Funny to hear how the weather affects nearly everyone's conversation. People fell into two camps: The 'Omigod it's too F'n hot' camp and the 'Oh, This is nothing!' camp. I guess that depends on where you're from. If you're used to humidity and lung crushing heat, than I guess this summer blaster was tolerable for you. If you're like me and you're from California, than we are a little spoiled, I guess, not used to such drastic temperature change. To make matters worse, my house has NO insulation and inside our top floor it was at least 12-15 degrees hotter, making it climb into triple digits, no joke, so I could not be inside at home during this. I couldn't paint or work on anything at home, so I threw up my hands and spent the last few days at the beach with no guilt and all enjoyment.
On other fascinating nail biting topics besides the weather, I've been working on more signs for various restaurants around town. This latest one was for Chuck's Steakhouse down at the harbor:
I got to incorporate a little stenciling for this one, which was fun. I go back there today to faux finish their ceiling, now that it's cooler I can actually work.
And by the way, I'm looking for new summer music to listen to, so if anyone has some personal favorites, please let me know! I need to branch out. I haven't been listening to anything new lately. Please help me by making some suggestions, I'd really appreciate it, thanks!
Cheers!
~Sheryl

Oh, Dear God in Heaven, NOOOOO!!!!

2008-06-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought this horrible fashion trend couldn't get any worse...just click on the red link below...
My eyes!!! My EYES!!!

HIGH HEELED CROCS!!!!

I'm with the Irish

2008-05-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

And then there's this...

2008-05-20T13:36:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Dr. Auchter for forwarding this to me. This is simply mind blowing. Is it real? As an artist I am blown away. I know that we humans use a frighteningly small portion (8-10%) of our brains. What could we accomplish if we could access and put into action more than that?

Decidedly Cheery

2008-05-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today I was again reminded of my shortage of family when I was filling out my passport papers. I had to list a person for the in case of emergency category. My brain swirled a little while a Rolodex list of my closest friends flashed by. It certainly would not be my brother! Who should I choose? Erin? Cherie? I finally decided on Kelly. She's the most level-headed-get-things-done person I know. She would always come to my rescue, and fast. I know that I will know her for the rest of my life and that there will be no falling outs or risks. It was still a weird feeling. Choosing someone who is not a blood relative to be your emergency person. I had been going on with my morning without thinking of it. Again, I was reminded. I promised myself I would stop writing blogs about my mom and how much I miss her. I fear I'll lose all 3 of my readers! But then I realized that this is my reality right now. This is what I'm going through and feeling, so I will write about it a little, a long with the other things that occupy my journal space. Some blogs I write hoping that my friends will read them, some I write just to get it out. This blog is the latter.
I've been giving some thought to decision making. I believe you can decide to be happy. I think some people do. I think some people have abhorrent circumstances, way worse than anything I've gone through and they still choose to make the best of them. They strive for happiness. I was born to hold my head high, and I will. It's just not always that easy. I'm looking forward to some changes soon.
And speaking of change, if anyone out there is reading this, I am looking for a new job. Seriously. I would prefer a job at the university, and I'm looking into it, but if I have to wait tables for even six months longer, I may just climb the roof of the post office and start picking people off with some sort of automatic weapon! I need a position that pays well, and if you are reading this, you probably know me and my skills and my ability to learn new things. I'm just putting the feelers out. Can't hurt...

I love you, Mom

2008-05-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's Day. I got up this morning and went to church with my brother, which proved to be the best way to honor my mom's memory. I wasn't sure what to expect from this day, this day of Moms and every thing Mom-Like Every Where In Your Face. I tried to be strong. Mainly what I noticed most this afternoon was the silence. It's just so quiet without her here. The phone rang and I actually expected it to be her. That hasn't happened in a while. I looked up at the sky and said, "Mom, I love you. I miss you so much." There's no way of knowing if she could ever hear me. My gut says no. She's just gone. I also realized that I do not have a single female family member alive. Wow. That's kind of amazing and so very sad. I wish I had a sister or an aunt or my dear Grandma...
I'm getting ready for work, bracing myself against the barrage of happy families I am going to have to face, bringing their moms out to eat, celebrating them. I'm trying to be strong. I know I am loved. But this hurts.

I'm not your mother

2008-05-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

Hello Bloggy,
Long time no write.
My computer is incredibly slow today and so am I.
I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't. Business has been abysmally slow, making it difficult to make ends meet. There have been a few days where I wouldn't even leave the house because I didn't even have a dollar to spend. A tightened grip on my cash flow means less dining out and watching every penny I spend. It sucks and it's no fun. I depend on money entirely too much. That makes me think a little about how I should change things so that I don't depend on it for happiness. Or perhaps a better investing strategy.
I've been in a funk too, because Mother's Day is approaching. This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. It's making me really sad and bringing up all the pain of losing her. I know it's just a Hallmark kind of holiday, complete with all the crass consumerism and vapid marketing crap, (the jewelry commercials are the worst offenders) but I just miss my mom. I miss her so damned much. Life has been so weird since she died, and I cannot comprehend the profound ways in which her death has changed me, and not for the better. This morning at the grocery store the bag girl said "Happy Mother's Day" to me in a cheery voice. I wanted to punch her. (Is that bad?) I was offended, not only because I am not a mother but because I just lost mine. I wondered what would make her say that to me when Mother's Day isn't even here for 3 more days. Do I look like someone's MOTHER? It bothered me deeply for a few minutes until I took a deep breath, realized that she was just leaving me with a jaunty surface social greeting and I had to let it all go. In with the good, out with the bad. Breathe. Fucking breathe.

The Big Kahuna!

2008-04-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

This last week I've been very busy painting the signs for the new Kahuna Grill, opening up in the Paseo Neuvo mall. I did the signs for the Goleta restaurant as well. I'm happy and excited that the Kahuna is opening downtown for several reasons. First off, the owner, Dale Dellar, is one of the nicest, warmest most genuine people I've ever known. I want him to succeed because he deserves it and I'm honored to be the one doing these signs. I'm stoked to have my work displayed in such a prominent locale as the big mall in the heart of downtown Santa Barbara! I'm hoping that this will lead to more art business for me. I'm also stoked that the yummy Kahuna will be so close for me to enjoy the plate lunches & burgers. Mmmmm! I hope if you live in the Santa Barbara area you will go to the Kahuna and support them. I know that the rent in that mall is astronomical, and I hope they make it big time. The food is great!
So, please pass it on.
Here's some photos of the progression of all this sign painting...

This is a menu holder before I started it.

And with a base coat.

A few brush strokes.

A little more work...

One of the podium menu stands.

Throw a little stain on it...

Hawaiian explosion!

Spraying the cute little volcanos.

It's a new week... break out the Advil!

2008-04-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Bloggy,
Wow. Last week was stupefying with the amount of cultural, artistic and entertaining activities I participated in... but more on that later. I have a HUGE painting job to do for the Kahuna Grill, which will be opening this month in Paseo Neuvo Mall downtown. I have a Thursday deadline and it's Tuesday. I'm nowhere near being finished, which is precisely why I'm taking time out to write a quick blog. It's called PROCRASTINATION, folks, and sometimes it actually helps me to get things done. Huh? What? By that I mean I've been meaning to write more blogs and now I'm doing it while I should be doing something else. So the getting done of things is just not in the right order, I suppose.
I've spent a lot of years being hedonistic and just generally having a good ol' time, and lately my thoughts have been turning to how I can make the world a better place.
I don't know where to start. Try being in a better mood? Smile at strangers more? Stop and help someone out on the road? We all have a cause we care about whether it's finding a cure for cancer, saving the environment, finding homes for abandoned pets or people or some other worthwhile cause. I desperately want to leave the world a better place for my having been here, and that's not an easy thing. You have to figure out your passion and go for it. But does your passion help others?
I set my homepage on my computer to GOODSEARCH.COM. If you don't know about them, you should. It's a search engine like Google, (God love Google, I know I do), but Goodsearch donates something to your favorite charity every time you search! My charity is PANCAN, the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. It's something that hits close to home. So every day I can donate a small amount just by doing something I'd be doing already anyhow. It's a really small step, I know, but they've raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for non-profit charities around the world. So check it out.
OK, back to work with me. LOTS and LOTS of fun news coming up, but until then, I hope you are well and happy.
I love you lots,
Sheryl

The blogs of my friends...

2008-03-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

Hello friends,
I'm back from a lovely trip to SF and as usual, many pictures will soon be up for you to see. What a city that is! Everything is happening there and the Bay is so beautiful. Right now I cannot put up the SF blog, I have a big painting job to finish for the new Kahuna Grill, opening up in Paseo Neuvo mall. More on that later...

My friend and fellow artist Tanner Goldbeck works as head designer at Jesse James' West Coast Choppers. Actually, I'm not sure if he's still working there, but he has a new blog and he put up this really cool post. They must have had a cafe there or something, but check it out. It's worth a look:

Click here for Racecar13's Blogspot!

San Francisco, here I come!

2008-03-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow. Whoo-Hooo!!! I can't wait. This is so overdue. It will be so nice to get on the road and breathe in some different air. Just drive. I wish I were going for a month, but a week will have to do. I'm going to the MOMA for some art, to Amoeba for some music, to the observatory for a little view, to many restaurants to eat yummy food, to see dear friends and spend a whole day at the Korean Imperial Spa where I will be soaked, scrubbed, massaged and rejuvenated. I will spend one night in a hotel by myself where I will read or sleep and enjoy some R&R, the rest of the time will be spent on friend's couches or fold outs. I may try to seek out the little church that Anne Lamott writes about in Marin. I'll spend a couple of days in Oakland and check out the East Bay. I haven't really spent any time there before, so that will be new. Hopefully Louisa will show me around. If anyone else has some good suggestions for me to do or see, please let me know...
Bon Voyage!!!

Fun with a camera...

2008-03-06T01:07:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy photography. I've never done it professionally, but I take my camera with me EVERYWHERE... I'm always snapping photos to the point of fanaticism, and I find beauty in all places I go. It's so easy to find beauty around here. We are blessed to live in an especially beautiful part of the world. I take deep wonder in it daily.
I am known to pull over in the most dangerous of conditions just to get a good picture. Here are some of my favorites, I took all of them in or around Santa Barbara county. I hope you like them. Please let me know what you think.

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Make it count!

2008-02-29T12:56:00.000-08:00

Looking back over the blogs I've written, I see a lot of grief and sarcasm and negativity. I guess it's only natural when I've been hurting so much... But I wonder how people can like someone who hates facial hair and does not want children?
I realize that writing it all out helps, and though I'd rather be writing blogs that are reporting on some amazing nail-biting overseas journeys, or vital work on a mission somewhere, doing something very important for mankind, this is where I am now:
Still here in Santa Barbara, taking stock of my life after the profound loss of my mother. Like the Nick Cave song where he says "on the occasions I came up for air
I saw my life and wondered what the hell I had been living"...I wonder how I got to here. I drink too much and I need to stop. I need to wake up earlier and live more. Live BETTER. I really want to live my life like there is no tomorrow, like my ass is on fire. Really make every moment count, and truly make a difference. GO PLACES and DO THINGS. When I realize how many years I have lived in SB not going anywhere it shocks me. And how can I accomplish this better life if I mostly want to stay in my comfy warm house and hibernate from the world? Maybe the answer lies in getting outside of my comfort zone...
I want to leave things a little better than when I came in. I want the people I love to really know it (and that probably means YOU if you are reading this). Sometimes, when I take stock of it all I wonder if I am doing this to the full extent of my ability. Usually the answer is no, so something has got to give.

I'm now thinking about and preparing for the next big stage in my life. This will be a big change, an upheaval of epic proportions. I'll turn everything upside down and uproot it all, to lay it down in another city, and when I do, I want to be taking my spiritual temperature too... making more room for God in my life and doing more for mankind. Volunteering more, traveling more, reading more, learning more, doing more. Life is so beautiful and wonderous. LOOK at where we live! Just the other day I had lunch with some of my co-workers at Mussel Shoals. Let me tell you, it was gorgeous.
So... I hope that my blogs will begin to take on a better and more hopeful feel. I want to make it count. As time passes, I want to evolve and be the very BEST me I can be.
I love you all so much.
XOXO
~Sheryl

The measure of success...

2008-02-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

Am I crazy for not wanting children?

Sometimes I wonder...
When I was about 10 I remember being in my beloved grandmother's kitchen and she mentioned something about when I would grow up and would have children of my own. I remember the moment almost as if it were yesterday, when she said it I was aghast. "But, Grammma, I don't want kids! I'm never having kids!" I protested firmly, as if I already knew then. Maybe I did. I had plenty of chances, but it never happened. I didn't pine so much for it, as I did for a spouse. I wanted marriage and security, someone to grow old with, build a home with and lovingly read bits of the newspaper to over coffee every morning, but children never really factored that much into it. I pictured a lovely home filled with art and books, and a mature deeply loving relationship that filled every need. I thought about kids, but it wasn't the yearning that a lot of my friends expressed. For me, it was always more of a vague concept...
I thought of a little beachy sandy-footed blonde girl who loved to draw. A little me. It was a nice thought... until the baby in the booth next to me would start screaming bloody murder and the thought vanished fast and violent, like so much shrapnel into the atmosphere. Nope, crying and noise was not for me. Neither is a giant belly, hopped up hormones or sore nipples. I would be intolerable. They'd have to lock me up in a barn somewhere where my loved ones would not have to hear me moaning and complaining.

To paraphrase from a recent article I read, "There are those who neatly mark all their accomplishments in life by family position and children - a universally recognized measure. And what if you (gasp!) don't have children or a spouse? Then, you'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being? And that is a very frightening road less traveled (even more frightening to society than to those traveling it!)". Here I am, in the time when most people are watching their kids grow up and out of the house, and I still have never even been married. I'm still working on my art, my career, I'm working toward buying my first house, and that's my number one real goal at the moment. I don't need a mini me... I'm still working on me! There are even those who call this sort of thing "selfish". This really puzzles me. Isn't bringing yet another life into this dreadfully overpopulated earth even more selfish? When the world's resources are being eaten up at a break-neck speed and will be depleted by the time our offspring reach middle age, why would I want to bring a lovely little new life into that? I would take it one step further and say that people should pass some sort of competency test before they are allowed to have kids. Heck, you need a driver's license just to be able to drive, how much more important is raising a child?
Furthermore, since I'm older, perhaps I would die when my child only was in their 20's or 30's. Having just lost my mother, I am not willing to put another person through that particular circle of hell. On the other hand, I wish I could have given my beautiful mother a grandchild, and if I had, would her life have been changed or saved? I often think it would have. Something fresh, new and fragile to love and protect. Something to offset the HELL of having a life-long drug addicted son. She really wanted grandchildren and I regret not being able to give that to her.

Women's magazines are notorious for pigeon-holing women into the mother role. We, as women are just supposed to want children according to society. I wonder why there is hardly anything written for the growing population of people like me who do not have children - most of them by choice. For the record, as a woman, I equate having a child (my own) with emotional and financial bankruptcy - I don't think I'd have the stamina or the financial resources. I cherish the kids in my life and my "chosen" role as the cool auntie. Yesterday I babysat for Etta and had such a nice time with her. She's a lovely beautiful little soul, inside and out, and I can't wait to see who she becomes. But when she went home I closed the door to my room and lied down before having to go to work. I cherished every second of quiet. It felt like a balm to my soul. But this is not about Etta. She is not the reason for my decision. I think I made that decision when I was 10. It's just who I am. It makes perfect sense for my life.
Sometimes I still encounter child-bearing friends who say things like "But you don't like kids..." No, I love them, (in small doses). I just don't want my own!

seeds of hope

2008-02-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

Today it was a lovely blustery rainy day. I stayed indoors for most of it. I decided to do a little cleaning and I ended up going through my zine collection to thin it down and sell some of them on ebay. This made me re-read some of them and I got nostalgic. I remember how I was in the days when I was doing a zine and the future seemed a little bit brighter. I had so much to say then. I was excited, motivated and idealistic about everything, music, writing and art... about making the world a better place. Even though now I am much more established, in some ways I had a lot more going for me then.
It's just different.
In some ways I wish I had now what I had then. How boring. I never wanted to be someone who said that. Ugh.
I miss the heck out of my mom.
I miss her all the time. What can I say? It saps me dry and makes me depressed.
I am just so sad. And the tears still come. After I got home from work tonight I looked up at the sky, stunning as it was in this full-moon, with its silver lined clouds, and I cried. Hard. I just stood in the driveway and cried. I want to reach for her. Call her. Hug her, hold her hand. Talk to her. I do talk to her, but she never answers. How can she? She is gone, her soul somewhere else on the next part of her journey, she doesn't exist here anymore, and I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I have such a hard time letting go. Does she know that I miss her? I feel so lonely in this world without her. I could never have prepared for how this feels. Sometimes she visits me in my dreams. I am thankful for that. Upon entering the house I poured a hot bath and a glass of wine and tried to think about relaxing this pain away. I wanted a xanax, or something... but there is no pill for this.

My friends came together and held a benefit show for me (for my mom, in her honor). It was Saturday the 9th, and in case you weren't there, it was a smashing success. I felt warm and loved. I was so grateful my heart was to the bursting point. Truly. We raised a good chunk to donate to Sarah House, and in addition I was able to pay off some things that I needed to as a result. There was art and great live music. And the best part? I made some new friends and got closer to some existing ones. It was good all around. No, it was great.
I've never had anyone throw me a surprise party, but I imagine that that's pretty close to what it would feel like. Grand. Spectacular. Lucky.
So it's over now and life is back to normal. In the quiet times I realize how nothing is the same anymore, nothing is "normal" now, not like it was... but I call it the "new normal".
Now it's late, and I can hear the wind howling outside my window, rattling the panes. I love this house when it rains. I want to have hope that I will feel better and that life will be good again. It hasn't been in so long. I am depressed in the fullest sense of the word. People tell me that I will get better, but it doesn't feel like it right now. I'm still grieving, still in the full throes of it, and that will be its own process with its own time line.
I need a symbol of hope. Something to focus on to guide me.
So I think of this:
A thing I used to see all the time while driving in LA were these little palm trees growing up through the concrete. They seemed to pop up in the oddest places, like in the cracks of the freeway dividers. It seemed impossible that this little imported beauty of a tree could thrive in conditions like these... this smog laden noise polluted concrete covered dirty city. But they do. And how they pop up through the cracks out of nowhere is a wonder to me. I need to be like the palm tree when my landscape seems barren and lost. I just need to persevere. Keep breathing. Know that the sun will come up tomorrow and keep breathing because you never know what the tide will bring in.

here it is

2008-02-09T00:49:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, take a look at the article that came out in yesterday's Independent:

I hope you all can make it down to Muddy Waters Saturday (tomorrow)!

Click here to see what the Santa Barbara Independent says about it.

If you can't make it in person, you can always donate right here. There's a button to the right of this post. Please help. The more money we can raise the more people it will help. Thank you, lovlies.
XOXOXO
~Sheryl

OK, everybody freeze!

2008-02-06T11:21:00.001-08:00

Friends, old and new

2008-02-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

This weekend I went down to LA to see my good friend Kat and to see Thee Oh NOs play. They played at a fancy little club called Bordello, right across the street from Joe Shea's old loft downtown. OH, I wish he was still there, he had just emailed me only 2 days prior to say he had left the building. All night long I kept wanting to run across the street and introduce him to my friend David, the drummer for Thee Oh NOs. I wanted to show David Joe's impressive studio and art collection. The show was great. Fun was had. It worked to lift me out of my blue mood that I seem to have been in for days now, only for the mood to return upon waking the next day. Jamie came out and DJ LEE from the Rockaround was there too. Lots of good music, and I danced for their ENTIRE set in 4 inch high heels! Ouch!
The next morning it was breakfast in the rain at Auntie Em's Kitchen, one of my favorite cafes near Kat's house. They sell the most scrumptious red velvet cupcakes! Then it was over to Galco's Soda Pop Shop, the supermarket of soda pops. I got cucumber soda and rose petal soda and Zots candy. Mmmmm, a throw-back from when I was a kid! The Soda Pop shop is one of my favorite stops in LA. The 10,000-square-foot shop still looks like a timeworn Italian deli, down to the chipped linoleum and faded 1950's sign out front. But the half-dozen aisles are now lined with over 500 varieties of soda and 425 of beer, both new and long forgotten. Among the most interesting are Manhattan Special Espresso Coffee Soda, a mud-like drink loaded with caffeine; Red Ribbon Cherry Supreme, which is neon pink (I HAD to have one); and Jamaica's Hot Hot Hot, a ginger beer so spicy that it almost burns your lips. Most are packaged in old-fashioned glass bottles.
Several exotic brands come from distant shores, like Sangaria Ramune, a melon-flavored Japanese soda with a marble in the bottle; and Kolashampan, a cream soda from El Salvador. The owner, Mr. Nese is always there when I go,

and he is friendly and helpful from the moment you walk in. Whenever possible, he tries to carry sodas with natural ingredients. Nuky Rose Soda, one of my favorites, is made from crushed rose petals, and Plantation Style Mint Julep from Pennsylvania is flavored with real mint. I'm starting to sound like an ad, but I really love the Soda Pop Shop!

It's nice to see old friends like Kat and David. It makes me nostalgic for the old days, and makes me realize that I work far too much and I should take short trips like that much more often. I also love to see the architecture in other cities. I forget that everything isn't the Disneyesque white stucco and red tiled roofs of Santa Barbara. I saw so many little Craftsman bungalows and garishly painted houses I could barely drive without being a lookie-loo. I need to get out more!

Sarcasm

2008-02-02T12:04:00.000-08:00

For anyone who read my beard blog and thought I was entirely serious, please know that it was peppered with jeers, sarcasm and bitter humor. While it's true I don't like beards so much, I happen to REALLY DEEPLY LOVE some people I know who have them. I was just going off on a tangent and trying to be funny... I suppose some guy could write a blog about how he HATES women with long blonde hair and how vapid he thinks they are, etc. I wouldn't be personally offended. I'd probably laugh and agree. I like humor that's bitter and mad. That's all. Hope I didn't offend anyone...and if I did? Well, have a Bologna sammich and shut your pie hole.

And for a sample of some of what I'm talking about, check out THIS PAGE: Click HERE:To go to The Best Page In The Universe

NOT COOL!

2008-02-01T12:55:00.001-08:00

I cannot grasp the current men's obsession with facial hair. It seems to be everywhere. Quite a few men are sporting beards and messy long hair. I'm not talking goatees here, (which can actually be quite attractive), I'm talkin' full-blown all out BEARDS, big long hairy messy beards, not shaven into neat shapes, just a sasquatch hair free-for-all. The young men are the ones that really trip me out with it. Didn't their papas teach them how to shave? I don't get how this is the new trend. Where did this ugly thing start? With bands? Because a lot of bands are doing it too.
Or Play off beards? I have heard about guys not shaving until the playoffs or other similar contests. But really, guys, unless you're ZZ TOP,

Or a Hasidic jew

Or an old homeless guy

Or an Amish guy...

...the shit aint cool! C'mon fellas, it's 2008. The Neanderthal look went out in the late Pleistocene Epoch (roughly 30,000 years ago).
David letterman had a hideous rug on his face. Ugh. Made him look 25 years older. As it does with EVERY man who grows one. Granted, his was a statement about the writer's strike... but still...GROSS!

There are only 2 men I know who can rock the beard properly and handsomely... Jason and Chuck. That's IT. But they keep it nice and clean, you know?

No one, not even your mom, wants to kiss a face with wiry messy hair all over it that scratches you or worse yet has tiny food particles lodged in it. SICK!
Just SHAVE already! Save us from the horror. Give me time to stop being grossed out by this so I can worry and ponder about other more important things, like, WHAT, on God's Green Earth makes a white person think it's cool to grow dreadlocks??? There's a reason they are called DREADlocks. They are DREADFUL!!!!

If only...

2008-01-26T11:19:00.000-08:00

If only I could be like this more often:

For attractive lips ,speak words of kindness...
For lovely eyes ,seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure ,share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair ,let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise ,walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...
People,even more than things, have to be restored,
Renewed, revived,reclaimed,and redeemed;
Never throw out anyone.
Remember,if you ever need a helping hand,
You will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older,you will discover that you have two hands;
One for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

~Audrey Hepburn

Yesterday I had a really bad day. No one in the world could have changed my mood. I brooded and raged and stomped around with a black rain cloud over my head all day and night. I hate when that happens to me when I long to only shine out goodness toward everyone. I am so *#@!#$&**+# moody.

Snow in SB!

2008-01-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

This is the view from my hill last night as I was heading out to work...
Kind of dark, but there is a beautiful blanket of snow on the local mountains!

FLOODED!

2008-01-23T15:34:00.000-08:00

This morning Erin, Etta and I had breakfast at Cajun Kitchen on De La Vina st. It started raining so hard it was sideways! Then came the hail. It looked like it was snowing! Almost the entire restaurant was up on their feet in shock at the weather. There was lightning and booming thunder. The street flooded completely, so much so that the laundromat across the street had it's doors flinging open and closed with the force of the waves from the street. You could not see the sidewalk, cars were in water up to their doors, not a single vehicle could drive through it, they closed the street down, and for a moment it got tense inside the restaurant, as we all thought we might very well be stranded there. There was this weird cohesion between everyone in there, instead of the way people normally go about their business ignoring everyone else, people were talking excitedly to one another and strangers were standing side by side at the window in awe.
I was ecstatic. I love weather. Being a Californian all my life it's always so exciting when it comes down like that. Thunder and lightning make me squeal with delight. It's so marvelous and we need the rain so much. It's beautiful. Besides, I love the way my roof sounds when it's raining, and I don't mind staying in all day as long as it's warm and I can read, paint or hang out with my kitties. The rain is like a mini-vacation. It always feels that way to me.

Verrrrry Funny, Phil

2008-01-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

An old friend of mine decided to submit an edit of the front page of my website. Here's his redefined drawing of Schroederville.com. HA HA HAAAAA!

Eleven Saints...

2008-01-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

Last week I had the pleasure of seeing Jason Webley live at Muddy Waters. It was one of the most engaging shows I've been to in quite some time. He had audience participation, humor and wit, and the next minute you are on the verge of tears from his moving lyrics. Just terrific! If you ever get the chance to see him, do it! Here's an animated video of one of my favorite songs of his. Enjoy!

Click here for his myspace page

Material things and reminders

2008-01-19T15:08:00.001-08:00

All of my blog posts so far seem to do with my mom. I guess that's normal. I think about her daily. Hourly. I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone. I'd love to write about the amazing show I went to last night, I'd love to tell you all about that, and I will... but instead my mind is on my mom and how much I miss her. I want to call her up. I want to tell her my latest gossip, that my mean boss got fired, that I got a cordless phone, that her cat is doing well, that I love her.
I so often long for quiet afternoons at home with no interruptions so I can just be here, present with only myself and my thoughts, as some way to realize this new reality, come to grips with it. All I seem to want to do lately is clean and organize my house, which is no small task. It soothes me somehow. Yeah, boring, I know, but that's what I'm craving these days, and I never seem to get it for long enough. There are things to be done, errands, grocery shopping, a room I have to rent. And work. Too much work. Can't I just stay HOME for a while?

Today I was going through old boxes of photos and as I looked at pictures of her she seems so vital, so alive and so funny. Her jokey expressions, sunny smile and her playful nature come through in all of the pictures. Those were happier days for us. The last few years weren't as good.
I keep finding little things of hers that came from her house after she died and they often seem like invaders, like they shouldn't be here. Today I found a bunch of padded hangers for the closet. I alternately love having her things and hate having them. On the one hand, I treasure her things, just knowing they belonged to her gives me some sort of connection and comfort, and the real deep down feeling that they belong with me, here. On the other hand, it's jarring to find them around my house. They serve as reminders that she is gone. I feel that they don't belong here and they should just be with her. This is part of my denial. 'What is THIS doing here? It should be at my mom's house' is a common thing my brain says to me all the time.
I think that's going to take a long long time to go away.

More for your viewing pleasure...

2008-01-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

An oldie, but a goodie!

Everyone should see this...

2008-01-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

HA HA HAAAAA! Makes me roll over laughing every time.

Quote of the Day:

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
— Helen Keller

Quote of the Day

2008-01-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated". - Mohandas Gandhi

I inherited my mom's cat when she died. She's a 10 year old pedigree Maine Coon Cat. She's gorgeous, but she isn't very friendly (...YET). After over a month I am just now getting her to come out of my room and let me pet her a little. She is very high strung. I attribute that to the fact that my mom never had her fixed. I spayed her this week, and already her behavior seems to be changing. The vet found a large cyst on one of her ovaries, so it was good timing. Maybe the cyst was hurting her and making her surly. My cat, (her half sister) HATES her presence here and has peed all over the couch to mark her "territory". Boy does this suck! I can't even tell you. It cost me a fortune in cleaning and disinfecting products and dry-cleaning. I am on constant kitty watch now. Who knew that another cat could cause so much disruption in my happy home.

This is their dad, The Big Bopper was his name. He weighed a whopping 35 pounds!!! Biggest cat I have EVER seen. Look at the size of him compared to our breeder. His head was almost as big as hers! I was hoping that Kalia would get freakishly huge, but she never did. She only weighs 13 pounds. Still about twice as much as Janel's dog! HA HA HA!

If anyone is feeling generous and wants to donate in my mom's name to help save kitties, here is the link:

donate in loving memory of: MARY SCHROEDER
to: CLICK HERE ...to donate to ASAPcats

http://www.asapcats.org/donate.html

beef bouillon

2008-01-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

This is an embarrassing yet candid story I wrote a few months ago when my mom was in the hospital. I have conflicting feelings about putting it up here in this blog for all to read...but here goes:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
written in Fall, 2007

One thing in my family that I always found abhorrent and had an innate shame of was their need to take things. My brother pilfered things everywhere he went, and not in the cool anarchist Cometbus survival kind of way, but in the way of a person disenfranchised from the world, who needed to take what they felt was theirs as a way to survive and get the most out of someone or something they feel has more than them. In the way that they feel the world owes them because they are poor, aching inside and sometimes sick in the head. They were never big things that would hurt anyone, but rather little things like silverware, medical supplies, too many napkins, condiments.
It always bugged me.

My mom could be the same way sometimes, but never as bad as my brother. Sometimes, in moments of clarity and epiphany, I would realize exactly why they felt that way and it would make complete sense to me, but that would usually soon evaporate, because I don't really feel that way. My particular response to bad life circumstances has been different from my mom and my brother. Not better, don't get me wrong, just different. I have had my own sorted ways of coping in troubled times.

As I write this, my mom is laying in the hospital with stage IV pancreatic cancer. She is dying, and my guilt about confessing these things in a public forum bites me.
She would hate me saying even a word of this. She is an extremely private person. She always holds her head up high in public no matter what she feels inside. I admire that in her. No matter what anyone says, she has an unbreakable spirit, and I can only hope that I possess a little of her spirit in me.
I feel pretty breakable sometimes.

In the hospital, the cafeteria is a dismal excuse for a feeding place. I can never find anything I want, and the hours are rigid. Sick people and their families are NOT on an 8-5 schedule, people! I don't always want lunch exactly between the hours of 11-2PM. Sometimes I need to eat at 3 or 4PM because I haven't eaten all day.
I found myself taking bouillon packets and shoving them in my pocket before getting to the checkout line. What was I thinking? What was the reasoning behind this? Was I getting back at the hospital for being so callously indifferent to our needs or was I rebelling the fact that our family lost so much? Even scarier, was I somehow regressing to that behavior in my family that I had such a distaste for? Was it a way for me to feel closer to them? Be a part of them? What was happening? The bouillon kind of stood for something, and I don't know what. I will never use it, and it is sitting on my desk, taunting me, forcing me to question myself as I write this.

"YEAAAAAY!!!!!!!"

2008-01-10T11:55:00.000-08:00

I freakin' LOVE this commercial. It makes me laugh out loud every time...

"In your FACE!"

2008-01-09T23:54:00.000-08:00

My prize for website of the day goes to: www.adamwest.com
Batman's website! Hee hee! I bet he'd be fun to have lunch with.

Not much to say today. I canceled my bereavement therapy at the last minute. I didn't want to talk about sadness today. I haven't cried for a few days. Came close at a tv commercial about a little boy with a terminal disease, but I'm feeling kind of numb. I don't know what stage of grief I am in right now. At work I was reminded of the events of the last few months when I walked into the walk in fridge and there was a strange loud buzzing. It reminded me of the hums and whirs of the machines in the hospital ICU. It sounded just like a life support machine and I was immediately transported back there. I spent so much time there on and off with my mom. I would be happy to never have to hear those sounds again. In 2007 I learned the ugly meaning of such seemingly innocent words and phrases like metastasis, stage IV, palliative, and preemptive decision. I'm so thankful she's not in pain anymore, but I miss her so much. My life is very different now.

It was a beautiful day. Really beautiful, with a big cloudy sky and a crisp coldness in the air. I didn't have to work, and had lunch with my favorite girls from the palace. I'm so sad to see Nicki and Leah go. I will miss them tremendously. We pigged out in style on French food. Pure Deliciousness. If you live in Santa Barbara and have time for a leisurely two hour lunch with the best creme brulee in town, then go to Pacific Crepes on Anacapa. Zowee! I am still full and it's almost midnight.

Other news: My old friend Brenda came through town this week. It was good to see her. We are still the same...

I'm here...

2008-01-03T13:20:00.001-08:00

Greetings and Salutations!
Here it is. 2008. It's the new year, and in the spirit of the new, I'm going to start a new blog that is NOT on myspace... something a little more grown up, (maybe) where I can spout opinions, complain, retell, devise, make fun of, ask, figure out, postulate, rhyme, poke fun at, rivet, repel, offend, amuse, hold contests, divide and conquer. I'm going to have a list of fun links a MILE long for you to waste your valuable time on. I'll talk about the mundane and the preposterous. I'll publish it for the world to see. It'll be sad, happy, candid, funny, boring, inane, suggestive, mispelled and ridiculous. I'll put up pictures.
Wanna join me?
Suggestions?
Questions?
Insults?
Orders?