I'm with the Irish

And then there's this...

Thanks to Dr. Auchter for forwarding this to me. This is simply mind blowing. Is it real? As an artist I am blown away. I know that we humans use a frighteningly small portion (8-10%) of our brains. What could we accomplish if we could access and put into action more than that?

Decidedly Cheery

Today I was again reminded of my shortage of family when I was filling out my passport papers. I had to list a person for the in case of emergency category. My brain swirled a little while a Rolodex list of my closest friends flashed by. It certainly would not be my brother! Who should I choose? Erin? Cherie? I finally decided on Kelly. She's the most level-headed-get-things-done person I know. She would always come to my rescue, and fast. I know that I will know her for the rest of my life and that there will be no falling outs or risks. It was still a weird feeling. Choosing someone who is not a blood relative to be your emergency person. I had been going on with my morning without thinking of it. Again, I was reminded. I promised myself I would stop writing blogs about my mom and how much I miss her. I fear I'll lose all 3 of my readers! But then I realized that this is my reality right now. This is what I'm going through and feeling, so I will write about it a little, a long with the other things that occupy my journal space. Some blogs I write hoping that my friends will read them, some I write just to get it out. This blog is the latter.
I've been giving some thought to decision making. I believe you can decide to be happy. I think some people do. I think some people have abhorrent circumstances, way worse than anything I've gone through and they still choose to make the best of them. They strive for happiness. I was born to hold my head high, and I will. It's just not always that easy. I'm looking forward to some changes soon.
And speaking of change, if anyone out there is reading this, I am looking for a new job. Seriously. I would prefer a job at the university, and I'm looking into it, but if I have to wait tables for even six months longer, I may just climb the roof of the post office and start picking people off with some sort of automatic weapon! I need a position that pays well, and if you are reading this, you probably know me and my skills and my ability to learn new things. I'm just putting the feelers out. Can't hurt...

I love you, Mom

Today is Mother's Day. I got up this morning and went to church with my brother, which proved to be the best way to honor my mom's memory. I wasn't sure what to expect from this day, this day of Moms and every thing Mom-Like Every Where In Your Face. I tried to be strong. Mainly what I noticed most this afternoon was the silence. It's just so quiet without her here. The phone rang and I actually expected it to be her. That hasn't happened in a while. I looked up at the sky and said, "Mom, I love you. I miss you so much." There's no way of knowing if she could ever hear me. My gut says no. She's just gone. I also realized that I do not have a single female family member alive. Wow. That's kind of amazing and so very sad. I wish I had a sister or an aunt or my dear Grandma...
I'm getting ready for work, bracing myself against the barrage of happy families I am going to have to face, bringing their moms out to eat, celebrating them. I'm trying to be strong. I know I am loved. But this hurts.

I'm not your mother

Hello Bloggy,
Long time no write.
My computer is incredibly slow today and so am I.
I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't. Business has been abysmally slow, making it difficult to make ends meet. There have been a few days where I wouldn't even leave the house because I didn't even have a dollar to spend. A tightened grip on my cash flow means less dining out and watching every penny I spend. It sucks and it's no fun. I depend on money entirely too much. That makes me think a little about how I should change things so that I don't depend on it for happiness. Or perhaps a better investing strategy.
I've been in a funk too, because Mother's Day is approaching. This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. It's making me really sad and bringing up all the pain of losing her. I know it's just a Hallmark kind of holiday, complete with all the crass consumerism and vapid marketing crap, (the jewelry commercials are the worst offenders) but I just miss my mom. I miss her so damned much. Life has been so weird since she died, and I cannot comprehend the profound ways in which her death has changed me, and not for the better. This morning at the grocery store the bag girl said "Happy Mother's Day" to me in a cheery voice. I wanted to punch her. (Is that bad?) I was offended, not only because I am not a mother but because I just lost mine. I wondered what would make her say that to me when Mother's Day isn't even here for 3 more days. Do I look like someone's MOTHER? It bothered me deeply for a few minutes until I took a deep breath, realized that she was just leaving me with a jaunty surface social greeting and I had to let it all go. In with the good, out with the bad. Breathe. Fucking breathe.