www.picturesofwalls.com
Wonderful fun graffiti site.
These are great.
And this one... HOLY SHIT!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
GRAFFITI IS FUN!
Cool website of the day:
www.picturesofwalls.com
Wonderful fun graffiti site.
These are great.
And this one... HOLY SHIT!
www.picturesofwalls.com
Wonderful fun graffiti site.
These are great.
And this one... HOLY SHIT!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Happy birthday Mom.
Hey friends, I want to share some Christmas music with you. I'm a big fan of Kim Shattuck (from the Muffs) and she has a website with Christmas music podcasts that you can download and put on your iPod. Nice! This is definitely something I would do. I've been putting together Christmas mixes for years. So if you are one of those who can get into the Christmas spirit, then this is for you:
Visit Kim Shattuck's Blog!
Hey friends, I want to share some Christmas music with you. I'm a big fan of Kim Shattuck (from the Muffs) and she has a website with Christmas music podcasts that you can download and put on your iPod. Nice! This is definitely something I would do. I've been putting together Christmas mixes for years. So if you are one of those who can get into the Christmas spirit, then this is for you:
Visit Kim Shattuck's Blog!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
365 days
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother's death.
It still seems so surreal. Although a whole year has passed, I find that I am still in the grieving process. As the one year marker approached, I dreaded its' coming, as if somehow it would solidify the fact of her death even more, make it irreversible. Sometimes it feels as if a lot of time has passed, sometimes it feels like no time at all. She often shows up in my dreams, always alive.
I remember every second of the day that she died. I remember getting to the hospice in the morning and finding her in a state of severe and grave agitation. Just the night before she seemed fine. Sick, but not this close to death. Now her eyes were black and wide as saucers. She could barely speak. She was gasping wildly for air. They had to keep giving her sedatives to calm her down so she could find some semblance of relaxation, but it was impossible. I kneeled beside her bed and held her hand. I told her over and over how much I loved her. Her last words to me were "I love you". She rasped them out, pushing them like deep exhalations and I could see it took great effort. I wanted to be there with her, for her. Looking back now, I realize how beautiful it is for her last words to be "I love you".
The rest was awful for me, so no need to recount it here. Suffice it to say I've had a very difficult time dealing with it. There were (are) so many accompanying emotions to losing someone close to you, especially if you were their caretaker, such as I was with my mom. You feel pain, fear, anger, denial, shock, yearning, guilt, humiliation, disbelief and all of the above again and again, with emphasis and power. There have been times in the past year where I have even begun to doubt my own mental health. I have found through reading and grief counsel that this is all normal. I have found, also, that the grieving process is different for everyone and that it is entirely normal to still be grieving after a year has passed. No one is on a specific time-line. Your whole life changes when you lose someone very close to you.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things for me to deal with throughout the grieving process was my apparent loss of faith. I became obsessed with death and the afterlife (or worse... a lack of one). I was forced to confront death, life and what it all means. I had to look deeper into the nature and purpose of life and what I came up with were a ton of questions, all confusing and scary, and with no concrete answers. What is the nature of that energy, that power, that consciousness which, when it was in that body, caused it to think, speak, move, love, feel and create? Now that it is gone, there is a mass of cells that will soon decompose, or as in her case be cremated. What then? What is life? What is its purpose? Before all of this happened my Christian faith comforted and carried me. I never thought much of those things. They all seemed too far away and I accepted with blind faith that when we die we would be with God. Now, I feel so far from God, and I wonder, to my horror, if God could be something we humans devise to make ourselves feel better. I have friends that believe this very firmly. I do not. Doubting God's existence feels horrible to me, like blasphemy, and then I feel guilty and bad for thinking these thoughts, so I pray, and find little or no comfort. Why?
A couple of weeks ago I was surprised to hear from an old boyfriend of mine. I had not seen him in 15 years or so. He lives in Japan. I had never expected to hear from him again, so it was quite a surprise. It was really wonderful to see him and I left our meeting with a feeling of hope and strength. He had lost a son in a horrible way and it broke my heart to hear his story. But he looked so well, so healthy and it seemed as if he was in a very good place, a very strong, solid frame of mind. Of course he had had more time to deal with his loss than I have, but still, I felt comfort and goodness in the fact that he was doing well and hope that I would be too. His parting words to me were advice to not take the holidays so hard. He reminded me that it was a man-made construct. It means nothing, he said. My mother was born on Christmas day. My faith dictates that it does not mean nothing, as it is also the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord. Perhaps it is easier for Ted to retain that line of thinking. He is a very free spirit. He practices Buddhism. But... I appreciated his advice and I plan to put it into action. No one can help me do this but myself. I can decide how I live from here on out.
I never intended this blog to turn into a blog about depression and loss. Originally I thought I'd share all of my kooky finds, my thoughts, my art, stories and inspirations here. It has turned into something sad because my life has been something sad for quite some time now. I know it is up to me and me alone to change that. I intend to live every day like it is a gift, because it is. I will begin trying as of now. Yesterday I bought a sequoia redwood tree. I plan on planting it in memory of my mom. It is a native Californian species, so it makes a perfect tree for my native California born mother. I'll sneak it into an inconspicuous place on the coast, somewhere where it won't harm anything around it by growing into a huge and majestic thing. I also bought 3 small beautiful succulent plants, ones I don't already have in my garden. I bought them to symbolize the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I planted them this afternoon in a terra cotta pot and added them to my garden. I do not want to lose my faith, even while I question it.
It still seems so surreal. Although a whole year has passed, I find that I am still in the grieving process. As the one year marker approached, I dreaded its' coming, as if somehow it would solidify the fact of her death even more, make it irreversible. Sometimes it feels as if a lot of time has passed, sometimes it feels like no time at all. She often shows up in my dreams, always alive.
I remember every second of the day that she died. I remember getting to the hospice in the morning and finding her in a state of severe and grave agitation. Just the night before she seemed fine. Sick, but not this close to death. Now her eyes were black and wide as saucers. She could barely speak. She was gasping wildly for air. They had to keep giving her sedatives to calm her down so she could find some semblance of relaxation, but it was impossible. I kneeled beside her bed and held her hand. I told her over and over how much I loved her. Her last words to me were "I love you". She rasped them out, pushing them like deep exhalations and I could see it took great effort. I wanted to be there with her, for her. Looking back now, I realize how beautiful it is for her last words to be "I love you".
The rest was awful for me, so no need to recount it here. Suffice it to say I've had a very difficult time dealing with it. There were (are) so many accompanying emotions to losing someone close to you, especially if you were their caretaker, such as I was with my mom. You feel pain, fear, anger, denial, shock, yearning, guilt, humiliation, disbelief and all of the above again and again, with emphasis and power. There have been times in the past year where I have even begun to doubt my own mental health. I have found through reading and grief counsel that this is all normal. I have found, also, that the grieving process is different for everyone and that it is entirely normal to still be grieving after a year has passed. No one is on a specific time-line. Your whole life changes when you lose someone very close to you.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things for me to deal with throughout the grieving process was my apparent loss of faith. I became obsessed with death and the afterlife (or worse... a lack of one). I was forced to confront death, life and what it all means. I had to look deeper into the nature and purpose of life and what I came up with were a ton of questions, all confusing and scary, and with no concrete answers. What is the nature of that energy, that power, that consciousness which, when it was in that body, caused it to think, speak, move, love, feel and create? Now that it is gone, there is a mass of cells that will soon decompose, or as in her case be cremated. What then? What is life? What is its purpose? Before all of this happened my Christian faith comforted and carried me. I never thought much of those things. They all seemed too far away and I accepted with blind faith that when we die we would be with God. Now, I feel so far from God, and I wonder, to my horror, if God could be something we humans devise to make ourselves feel better. I have friends that believe this very firmly. I do not. Doubting God's existence feels horrible to me, like blasphemy, and then I feel guilty and bad for thinking these thoughts, so I pray, and find little or no comfort. Why?
A couple of weeks ago I was surprised to hear from an old boyfriend of mine. I had not seen him in 15 years or so. He lives in Japan. I had never expected to hear from him again, so it was quite a surprise. It was really wonderful to see him and I left our meeting with a feeling of hope and strength. He had lost a son in a horrible way and it broke my heart to hear his story. But he looked so well, so healthy and it seemed as if he was in a very good place, a very strong, solid frame of mind. Of course he had had more time to deal with his loss than I have, but still, I felt comfort and goodness in the fact that he was doing well and hope that I would be too. His parting words to me were advice to not take the holidays so hard. He reminded me that it was a man-made construct. It means nothing, he said. My mother was born on Christmas day. My faith dictates that it does not mean nothing, as it is also the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord. Perhaps it is easier for Ted to retain that line of thinking. He is a very free spirit. He practices Buddhism. But... I appreciated his advice and I plan to put it into action. No one can help me do this but myself. I can decide how I live from here on out.
I never intended this blog to turn into a blog about depression and loss. Originally I thought I'd share all of my kooky finds, my thoughts, my art, stories and inspirations here. It has turned into something sad because my life has been something sad for quite some time now. I know it is up to me and me alone to change that. I intend to live every day like it is a gift, because it is. I will begin trying as of now. Yesterday I bought a sequoia redwood tree. I plan on planting it in memory of my mom. It is a native Californian species, so it makes a perfect tree for my native California born mother. I'll sneak it into an inconspicuous place on the coast, somewhere where it won't harm anything around it by growing into a huge and majestic thing. I also bought 3 small beautiful succulent plants, ones I don't already have in my garden. I bought them to symbolize the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. I planted them this afternoon in a terra cotta pot and added them to my garden. I do not want to lose my faith, even while I question it.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Santa Barbara is on fire! (again)
Hi friends,
I am sure you've heard about the Tea Fire if you aren't in SB. Everyone we know seems to be OK. It's mostly the luxury estate homes that have been affected. I thought I'd post a note to all my dear ones who are not here in town. In the last 24 hours it's been quite dramatic around here!
Pics cannot really capture the magnitude of this fire, how hot it is, how close and real it is. I could hear sirens and hellicopters all night throughout my sleep, and I was very thankful to be on the ocean-side of this thing. And it's made me think close and hard about what I would take in a moment's notice if I had to evacuate. Everything outside is already covered in ash!
I'm curious after this disaster blows over to hear more about it's origins. It's even been on CNN this morning. National news. Last night from work I could see 50 ft. flames engulging houses on the hill like balls of newspaper in a fireplace. It was crazy! So close! So big! There has been over 100 homes lost so far, most of them luxury estates in Oprah's neighborhood, (Rob Lowe, Mr. Lucky Jeans, those kinds of places). Westmont College lost a couple of buildings and there was a monastary destroyed. We lost power all night, so we had to close the business. It was strange working only by candlelight. I am going to the gym and I'm going to stay there all afternoon... for a little air conditioning and some fresh air, and oh yeah... excersize. ha ha. It's about 1,000 sweltering degrees in my house. HOTTER THAN HELL.... and in NOVEMBER, no less!!! The DAY before my birthday! I'm so tired of the hot weather, I can't wait for a cold day or some rain. A rain storm would be a lovely birthday present.
Air quality here is rotten and on red alert, so I've had to close all my doors and windows. It's freakin' HOT, Baby!!!! Ouch!
XO
Love,
~Sheryl
I am sure you've heard about the Tea Fire if you aren't in SB. Everyone we know seems to be OK. It's mostly the luxury estate homes that have been affected. I thought I'd post a note to all my dear ones who are not here in town. In the last 24 hours it's been quite dramatic around here!
Pics cannot really capture the magnitude of this fire, how hot it is, how close and real it is. I could hear sirens and hellicopters all night throughout my sleep, and I was very thankful to be on the ocean-side of this thing. And it's made me think close and hard about what I would take in a moment's notice if I had to evacuate. Everything outside is already covered in ash!
I'm curious after this disaster blows over to hear more about it's origins. It's even been on CNN this morning. National news. Last night from work I could see 50 ft. flames engulging houses on the hill like balls of newspaper in a fireplace. It was crazy! So close! So big! There has been over 100 homes lost so far, most of them luxury estates in Oprah's neighborhood, (Rob Lowe, Mr. Lucky Jeans, those kinds of places). Westmont College lost a couple of buildings and there was a monastary destroyed. We lost power all night, so we had to close the business. It was strange working only by candlelight. I am going to the gym and I'm going to stay there all afternoon... for a little air conditioning and some fresh air, and oh yeah... excersize. ha ha. It's about 1,000 sweltering degrees in my house. HOTTER THAN HELL.... and in NOVEMBER, no less!!! The DAY before my birthday! I'm so tired of the hot weather, I can't wait for a cold day or some rain. A rain storm would be a lovely birthday present.
Air quality here is rotten and on red alert, so I've had to close all my doors and windows. It's freakin' HOT, Baby!!!! Ouch!
XO
Love,
~Sheryl
Friday, October 10, 2008
Swiffer, please!
As I sit here, getting ready for bed, I look around my room. I've had my nose buried in a good book for the last hour and I'm tired, but I've had an epiphany.
This view, from my bed is a familiar one, one that I've seen for years. From this angle,though, I notice something I've not noticed before. I can view the backside of my computer, with it's mess of cords. I see the dust on my desk behind it, and the dust in between the keys of my computer's keyboard from behind, dust that, apparently my diligent cleaning has missed. Somehow, this insidious dust has lodged itself in between every key, probably slowing things down and making the air considerably less breathable. This is a keyboard I use every day for extended periods of time. I type a lot, so how could so much dust settle there? I just cleaned this area extensively the other day!
So it makes me think.
How much dust has settled in my life and how can I breathe with it here just suffocating me?
How has my cleaning/excercise/therapy/prayers/art/work missed it? How did so much of this crap accumalate? Why is there still all this dust from my past in my life? Is it hindering me from making a clean start? If so, why am I so afraid to simply clean it up?
They say that there is a turnover of atoms in the human body every seven years, that every cell in your being is regenerated in that cycle. If that's the case, then I'm sure as hell due for an OVERHAUL!!!!
My room is a creative familiar and loved mess of overcrowded objects. Things that make me happy or comforted are gathered here. Things left untouched and unmoved for years, like a grandparent's box of cherished mementos. I could probably get rid of over half the items in here and still feel O.K., still function and maybe be even more comfortable, but I haven't. I don't dare move a thing. I realize that I've been in a state of non-movement for what seems like forever.
For years.
I've been sad.
Unbelievably sad. --- Beyond sad.
My life has gone to pieces and I am so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn't pick myself out of a police line-up! Sometimes when I dress into clothes from my pajamas and look at myself in the mirror before going out and facing the world I do a double-take and then wince, WHO the fuck IS that? It's not me! I don't even know that pathetic person...
Anyhow, I realize why I don't just leave here. I realize that IF I left... I would be leaving behind the last place that my mom saw me living in while she was alive. We had so many Thanksgivings and Christmases here. I'd be leaving behind the last place that Jeff loved me in. I'd be leaving behind the last physical evidence of my old life... the nostalgia of it overwhelms and paralyzes me. The life I once had, the one with so many dreams and hopes... lost, gone forever. This house, that those people I loved saw me in. This place, where I put down so many cherished roots. Any new house I live in will never be seen by those people, in my former life who loved that person I once was.
I realized that I actually sometimes unconsciously or subconsciously entertain the idea that my mom will come back one day! (I know that it's preposterous, but I think I do it!) Don't all people who have lost a loved one do that at some point? Isn't that the hardest part, wrapping your mind around the cold realization that you will NEVER AGAIN see that person in your lifetime? And I know that if...(when) I leave here, that notion of connectedness to her in the physical tense will be blown to bits. So I don't dare leave. I'd rather hang onto a dream or a shred of nostalgia than to try to take a chance for change. I hang onto things so fiercly, so all encompassing and entirely, even if they are gone. I cannot bear to let go, even if letting go might free me. I am in desperate dire need of drastic transformational change in my life, yet I cling, and don't budge. Is it even normal for a person to miss her mom that much? Maybe. Losing a cherished family member has got to be one of the more CRUEL and FUCKED UP elements in this life. Or is this all some strange measure of control that I think I can keep over my destiny by staying here in this "safe" place that I know? I know that I used to like that person I was, and I don't like this new strange timid person I am now. I knew who that person was, this new one? Well, I don't know her at all and I'm skeptical. Afraid.
So it is.
I am stuck.
I am dying here in a world of dust and I need to break free.
This view, from my bed is a familiar one, one that I've seen for years. From this angle,though, I notice something I've not noticed before. I can view the backside of my computer, with it's mess of cords. I see the dust on my desk behind it, and the dust in between the keys of my computer's keyboard from behind, dust that, apparently my diligent cleaning has missed. Somehow, this insidious dust has lodged itself in between every key, probably slowing things down and making the air considerably less breathable. This is a keyboard I use every day for extended periods of time. I type a lot, so how could so much dust settle there? I just cleaned this area extensively the other day!
So it makes me think.
How much dust has settled in my life and how can I breathe with it here just suffocating me?
How has my cleaning/excercise/therapy/prayers/art/work missed it? How did so much of this crap accumalate? Why is there still all this dust from my past in my life? Is it hindering me from making a clean start? If so, why am I so afraid to simply clean it up?
They say that there is a turnover of atoms in the human body every seven years, that every cell in your being is regenerated in that cycle. If that's the case, then I'm sure as hell due for an OVERHAUL!!!!
My room is a creative familiar and loved mess of overcrowded objects. Things that make me happy or comforted are gathered here. Things left untouched and unmoved for years, like a grandparent's box of cherished mementos. I could probably get rid of over half the items in here and still feel O.K., still function and maybe be even more comfortable, but I haven't. I don't dare move a thing. I realize that I've been in a state of non-movement for what seems like forever.
For years.
I've been sad.
Unbelievably sad. --- Beyond sad.
My life has gone to pieces and I am so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn't pick myself out of a police line-up! Sometimes when I dress into clothes from my pajamas and look at myself in the mirror before going out and facing the world I do a double-take and then wince, WHO the fuck IS that? It's not me! I don't even know that pathetic person...
Anyhow, I realize why I don't just leave here. I realize that IF I left... I would be leaving behind the last place that my mom saw me living in while she was alive. We had so many Thanksgivings and Christmases here. I'd be leaving behind the last place that Jeff loved me in. I'd be leaving behind the last physical evidence of my old life... the nostalgia of it overwhelms and paralyzes me. The life I once had, the one with so many dreams and hopes... lost, gone forever. This house, that those people I loved saw me in. This place, where I put down so many cherished roots. Any new house I live in will never be seen by those people, in my former life who loved that person I once was.
I realized that I actually sometimes unconsciously or subconsciously entertain the idea that my mom will come back one day! (I know that it's preposterous, but I think I do it!) Don't all people who have lost a loved one do that at some point? Isn't that the hardest part, wrapping your mind around the cold realization that you will NEVER AGAIN see that person in your lifetime? And I know that if...(when) I leave here, that notion of connectedness to her in the physical tense will be blown to bits. So I don't dare leave. I'd rather hang onto a dream or a shred of nostalgia than to try to take a chance for change. I hang onto things so fiercly, so all encompassing and entirely, even if they are gone. I cannot bear to let go, even if letting go might free me. I am in desperate dire need of drastic transformational change in my life, yet I cling, and don't budge. Is it even normal for a person to miss her mom that much? Maybe. Losing a cherished family member has got to be one of the more CRUEL and FUCKED UP elements in this life. Or is this all some strange measure of control that I think I can keep over my destiny by staying here in this "safe" place that I know? I know that I used to like that person I was, and I don't like this new strange timid person I am now. I knew who that person was, this new one? Well, I don't know her at all and I'm skeptical. Afraid.
So it is.
I am stuck.
I am dying here in a world of dust and I need to break free.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
On Happiness...
Well Hello!
I'm back. Seems I haven't had time to write in ages. I've also not had too much to write about. I'm not sure I want to keep on writing about depression and how it affects me. I miss my mom every day. Strange how particular little things will bring it on... smells or passing by a certain building, like last night when I went to rent a movie I had to walk past the Victoria Court Post Office. Memories of my mom flooded through me. I just got so sad. It's hard to explain how the world is to me now with her gone. It's a different place. Emptier, for sure. I feel cheated when I think of how young she was when she died, how she died. I wish she had been healthier. I wish she knew how to take better care of herself and had been happier (that's what I wish the most). I also am fearful that I would ever follow in her footsteps. I must always strive to live my best life. I remember once asking my mom what would make her happy. She paused for a long time, not really having an easy answer. That was an eye opener. I have since thought of that question a lot. What makes you happy? And like her, I'm not so sure. That scares me a little. So today I comprised a quick surface off the cuff list.
Some things that make me happy are:
*A good day at the beach
*finishing a painting and feeling really good about it
*getting flowers (thanks, e!)
*Thinking about buying my first house & how that'll feel
*gardening
*a really good meal
*my friends
*really good wine
*out of town friends who visit
*my phsycho kitties
*the blue jays at my house
*trying something new and exhilarating, like white water rafting
That's a simple enough list. So I've done or had all of those things lately, but overall am I happy? I mean really happy? No. So maybe I'll need to think on this basic question a little more. Maybe we all should, instead of just going through the motions. Maybe my happiness is overshadowed by the loss of my mom and what the healing process entails, or maybe the happiness vein is a little deeper in the mine and I just haven't struck it yet. I don't know, but I could sure use a little more happiness in my life.
In other mundane day to day life, I've been working out at UCSB, temping here with a friend of mine, who works in the communication dept. I answer phones for the whole campus. It's actually fun. The scope of all the different calls I get is colorful and wide, and I get to surf the internet all day long in between calls, a definite plus. Some of the callers are SO STUPID! Oh, man, I cannot believe these people are associated with higher education. I could write volumes on some of these callers (people actually peeing while on the phone with me!). I'm on my last few days of a 4 week stint and I've got a really bad cold. I'm trying to land a regular job out here at UCSB and finally quit the Palace (Oh, God, Hallelujah, that will be the day!) I will celebrate on THAT day!
Lastly, have you ever left your laundry in the washer too long and then it takes on a horrible musty smell? UGH! I must have done that, because this morning the pants I put on reek like someone's disgusting dirty feet!!!! Ha ha. Of course I didn't notice this until I got in my car and it was too late. Now I have to live with this damp moldy crevice-cheese stench all day before I can get home and feel clean.
Y-U-U-Y-Y-Yucky!
I leave you with today's website picks-O-the day:
www.cuteoverload.com
www.uglyoverload.blogspot.com
And Today's thought:
"Run towards your fears.
Embrace them.
On the other side of your
greatest fears lives your
greatest life".
--Robin Sharma
Arevaderchi, Bellas!
I'm back. Seems I haven't had time to write in ages. I've also not had too much to write about. I'm not sure I want to keep on writing about depression and how it affects me. I miss my mom every day. Strange how particular little things will bring it on... smells or passing by a certain building, like last night when I went to rent a movie I had to walk past the Victoria Court Post Office. Memories of my mom flooded through me. I just got so sad. It's hard to explain how the world is to me now with her gone. It's a different place. Emptier, for sure. I feel cheated when I think of how young she was when she died, how she died. I wish she had been healthier. I wish she knew how to take better care of herself and had been happier (that's what I wish the most). I also am fearful that I would ever follow in her footsteps. I must always strive to live my best life. I remember once asking my mom what would make her happy. She paused for a long time, not really having an easy answer. That was an eye opener. I have since thought of that question a lot. What makes you happy? And like her, I'm not so sure. That scares me a little. So today I comprised a quick surface off the cuff list.
Some things that make me happy are:
*A good day at the beach
*finishing a painting and feeling really good about it
*getting flowers (thanks, e!)
*Thinking about buying my first house & how that'll feel
*gardening
*a really good meal
*my friends
*really good wine
*out of town friends who visit
*my phsycho kitties
*the blue jays at my house
*trying something new and exhilarating, like white water rafting
That's a simple enough list. So I've done or had all of those things lately, but overall am I happy? I mean really happy? No. So maybe I'll need to think on this basic question a little more. Maybe we all should, instead of just going through the motions. Maybe my happiness is overshadowed by the loss of my mom and what the healing process entails, or maybe the happiness vein is a little deeper in the mine and I just haven't struck it yet. I don't know, but I could sure use a little more happiness in my life.
In other mundane day to day life, I've been working out at UCSB, temping here with a friend of mine, who works in the communication dept. I answer phones for the whole campus. It's actually fun. The scope of all the different calls I get is colorful and wide, and I get to surf the internet all day long in between calls, a definite plus. Some of the callers are SO STUPID! Oh, man, I cannot believe these people are associated with higher education. I could write volumes on some of these callers (people actually peeing while on the phone with me!). I'm on my last few days of a 4 week stint and I've got a really bad cold. I'm trying to land a regular job out here at UCSB and finally quit the Palace (Oh, God, Hallelujah, that will be the day!) I will celebrate on THAT day!
Lastly, have you ever left your laundry in the washer too long and then it takes on a horrible musty smell? UGH! I must have done that, because this morning the pants I put on reek like someone's disgusting dirty feet!!!! Ha ha. Of course I didn't notice this until I got in my car and it was too late. Now I have to live with this damp moldy crevice-cheese stench all day before I can get home and feel clean.
Y-U-U-Y-Y-Yucky!
I leave you with today's website picks-O-the day:
www.cuteoverload.com
www.uglyoverload.blogspot.com
And Today's thought:
"Run towards your fears.
Embrace them.
On the other side of your
greatest fears lives your
greatest life".
--Robin Sharma
Arevaderchi, Bellas!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Time Warp!
I have to take a little break from the constant cutting and pasting I've been doing. I'm working on a few new paintings. If you are not familiar with my art, I like to make collages of black and white clip art gleaned from old magazines and other various sources. I cut a lot of images out before I head down to my local Kinko's, where I make a sort of themed wall paper out of it all (I have to do that because the ink they use in the printers there doesn't run when I put paint over it). I then lay it all down with flat glue before painting on top of it and then putting it in a vintage frame. the finished products look something like this one:
It's a multi-step process, and it takes a lot of time. I have about 4 paintings going right now, so I've been perusing old magazines and clip art books for days on end. I feel like I'm living in another time! It definitely affects me when I've been doing it for too long. The images and words take hold in my brain and lodge themselves there. My vision is tinted through vintage glasses.
Right now I'm working on Western themes of Old California and warm kitchen themes with home cooking and comfort images in the background. I have a pile of Old West magazines which not only yield great images, but funny stories too... 'Woman Hater: Ned Mersfelder' or 'Catch More Critters!' and 'Texas' Best Hobo'.
I also have a great stack of old Sunset magazines... they are fantastic, with downright beautiful fonts, hilariously funny modern product names, and gorgeous colors and placing.
I like the blue gloved hand holding the product
(or is it a recipe book?) in this cake ad! HA!
Some of the ads are so sexist it's hard to believe! They'd have us all barefoot and in aprons with 2.5 kids and dinner to prepare! Even so, there is a familiar warm and comfortable quality about it all. Something safe. Something known. This one kind of turns me on though... is that bad? HA! HA! HA! Really? Your husband would spank you if he knew you were taking the risk of serving him stale coffee? My oh my!
O.K. Back to work with me!
It's a multi-step process, and it takes a lot of time. I have about 4 paintings going right now, so I've been perusing old magazines and clip art books for days on end. I feel like I'm living in another time! It definitely affects me when I've been doing it for too long. The images and words take hold in my brain and lodge themselves there. My vision is tinted through vintage glasses.
Right now I'm working on Western themes of Old California and warm kitchen themes with home cooking and comfort images in the background. I have a pile of Old West magazines which not only yield great images, but funny stories too... 'Woman Hater: Ned Mersfelder' or 'Catch More Critters!' and 'Texas' Best Hobo'.
I also have a great stack of old Sunset magazines... they are fantastic, with downright beautiful fonts, hilariously funny modern product names, and gorgeous colors and placing.
I like the blue gloved hand holding the product
(or is it a recipe book?) in this cake ad! HA!
Some of the ads are so sexist it's hard to believe! They'd have us all barefoot and in aprons with 2.5 kids and dinner to prepare! Even so, there is a familiar warm and comfortable quality about it all. Something safe. Something known. This one kind of turns me on though... is that bad? HA! HA! HA! Really? Your husband would spank you if he knew you were taking the risk of serving him stale coffee? My oh my!
O.K. Back to work with me!
Hot, Hot, Hot
Helly Bloggy,
I've been lackadaisical in writing lately. It's too freakin' hot, and not much has been going on. The heat wave topped out at temperatures in the high eighties and low nineties in Santa Barbara. I can only imagine what LA must have been like. I was one of the lucky ones that got to go to the beach every single day of the heat wave. I floated, euphorically, in the ocean, where the water temp was a cool 64 degrees. Ahhhh. My favorite place. I felt like I was on a mini-vacation.
Despite my best efforts, umbrellas, sunscreen, I still got a little sunburned. Funny to hear how the weather affects nearly everyone's conversation. People fell into two camps: The 'Omigod it's too F'n hot' camp and the 'Oh, This is nothing!' camp. I guess that depends on where you're from. If you're used to humidity and lung crushing heat, than I guess this summer blaster was tolerable for you. If you're like me and you're from California, than we are a little spoiled, I guess, not used to such drastic temperature change. To make matters worse, my house has NO insulation and inside our top floor it was at least 12-15 degrees hotter, making it climb into triple digits, no joke, so I could not be inside at home during this. I couldn't paint or work on anything at home, so I threw up my hands and spent the last few days at the beach with no guilt and all enjoyment.
On other fascinating nail biting topics besides the weather, I've been working on more signs for various restaurants around town. This latest one was for Chuck's Steakhouse down at the harbor:
I got to incorporate a little stenciling for this one, which was fun. I go back there today to faux finish their ceiling, now that it's cooler I can actually work.
And by the way, I'm looking for new summer music to listen to, so if anyone has some personal favorites, please let me know! I need to branch out. I haven't been listening to anything new lately. Please help me by making some suggestions, I'd really appreciate it, thanks!
Cheers!
~Sheryl
I've been lackadaisical in writing lately. It's too freakin' hot, and not much has been going on. The heat wave topped out at temperatures in the high eighties and low nineties in Santa Barbara. I can only imagine what LA must have been like. I was one of the lucky ones that got to go to the beach every single day of the heat wave. I floated, euphorically, in the ocean, where the water temp was a cool 64 degrees. Ahhhh. My favorite place. I felt like I was on a mini-vacation.
Despite my best efforts, umbrellas, sunscreen, I still got a little sunburned. Funny to hear how the weather affects nearly everyone's conversation. People fell into two camps: The 'Omigod it's too F'n hot' camp and the 'Oh, This is nothing!' camp. I guess that depends on where you're from. If you're used to humidity and lung crushing heat, than I guess this summer blaster was tolerable for you. If you're like me and you're from California, than we are a little spoiled, I guess, not used to such drastic temperature change. To make matters worse, my house has NO insulation and inside our top floor it was at least 12-15 degrees hotter, making it climb into triple digits, no joke, so I could not be inside at home during this. I couldn't paint or work on anything at home, so I threw up my hands and spent the last few days at the beach with no guilt and all enjoyment.
On other fascinating nail biting topics besides the weather, I've been working on more signs for various restaurants around town. This latest one was for Chuck's Steakhouse down at the harbor:
I got to incorporate a little stenciling for this one, which was fun. I go back there today to faux finish their ceiling, now that it's cooler I can actually work. And by the way, I'm looking for new summer music to listen to, so if anyone has some personal favorites, please let me know! I need to branch out. I haven't been listening to anything new lately. Please help me by making some suggestions, I'd really appreciate it, thanks!
Cheers!
~Sheryl
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Oh, Dear God in Heaven, NOOOOO!!!!
Just when you thought this horrible fashion trend couldn't get any worse...just click on the red link below...
My eyes!!! My EYES!!!
HIGH HEELED CROCS!!!!
My eyes!!! My EYES!!!
HIGH HEELED CROCS!!!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
And then there's this...
Thanks to Dr. Auchter for forwarding this to me. This is simply mind blowing. Is it real? As an artist I am blown away. I know that we humans use a frighteningly small portion (8-10%) of our brains. What could we accomplish if we could access and put into action more than that?
Decidedly Cheery
Today I was again reminded of my shortage of family when I was filling out my passport papers. I had to list a person for the in case of emergency category. My brain swirled a little while a Rolodex list of my closest friends flashed by. It certainly would not be my brother! Who should I choose? Erin? Cherie? I finally decided on Kelly. She's the most level-headed-get-things-done person I know. She would always come to my rescue, and fast. I know that I will know her for the rest of my life and that there will be no falling outs or risks. It was still a weird feeling. Choosing someone who is not a blood relative to be your emergency person. I had been going on with my morning without thinking of it. Again, I was reminded. I promised myself I would stop writing blogs about my mom and how much I miss her. I fear I'll lose all 3 of my readers! But then I realized that this is my reality right now. This is what I'm going through and feeling, so I will write about it a little, a long with the other things that occupy my journal space. Some blogs I write hoping that my friends will read them, some I write just to get it out. This blog is the latter.
I've been giving some thought to decision making. I believe you can decide to be happy. I think some people do. I think some people have abhorrent circumstances, way worse than anything I've gone through and they still choose to make the best of them. They strive for happiness. I was born to hold my head high, and I will. It's just not always that easy. I'm looking forward to some changes soon.
And speaking of change, if anyone out there is reading this, I am looking for a new job. Seriously. I would prefer a job at the university, and I'm looking into it, but if I have to wait tables for even six months longer, I may just climb the roof of the post office and start picking people off with some sort of automatic weapon! I need a position that pays well, and if you are reading this, you probably know me and my skills and my ability to learn new things. I'm just putting the feelers out. Can't hurt...
I've been giving some thought to decision making. I believe you can decide to be happy. I think some people do. I think some people have abhorrent circumstances, way worse than anything I've gone through and they still choose to make the best of them. They strive for happiness. I was born to hold my head high, and I will. It's just not always that easy. I'm looking forward to some changes soon.
And speaking of change, if anyone out there is reading this, I am looking for a new job. Seriously. I would prefer a job at the university, and I'm looking into it, but if I have to wait tables for even six months longer, I may just climb the roof of the post office and start picking people off with some sort of automatic weapon! I need a position that pays well, and if you are reading this, you probably know me and my skills and my ability to learn new things. I'm just putting the feelers out. Can't hurt...
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I love you, Mom
Today is Mother's Day. I got up this morning and went to church with my brother, which proved to be the best way to honor my mom's memory. I wasn't sure what to expect from this day, this day of Moms and every thing Mom-Like Every Where In Your Face. I tried to be strong. Mainly what I noticed most this afternoon was the silence. It's just so quiet without her here. The phone rang and I actually expected it to be her. That hasn't happened in a while. I looked up at the sky and said, "Mom, I love you. I miss you so much." There's no way of knowing if she could ever hear me. My gut says no. She's just gone. I also realized that I do not have a single female family member alive. Wow. That's kind of amazing and so very sad. I wish I had a sister or an aunt or my dear Grandma...
I'm getting ready for work, bracing myself against the barrage of happy families I am going to have to face, bringing their moms out to eat, celebrating them. I'm trying to be strong. I know I am loved. But this hurts.
I'm getting ready for work, bracing myself against the barrage of happy families I am going to have to face, bringing their moms out to eat, celebrating them. I'm trying to be strong. I know I am loved. But this hurts.
Friday, May 9, 2008
I'm not your mother
Hello Bloggy,
Long time no write.
My computer is incredibly slow today and so am I.
I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't. Business has been abysmally slow, making it difficult to make ends meet. There have been a few days where I wouldn't even leave the house because I didn't even have a dollar to spend. A tightened grip on my cash flow means less dining out and watching every penny I spend. It sucks and it's no fun. I depend on money entirely too much. That makes me think a little about how I should change things so that I don't depend on it for happiness. Or perhaps a better investing strategy.
I've been in a funk too, because Mother's Day is approaching. This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. It's making me really sad and bringing up all the pain of losing her. I know it's just a Hallmark kind of holiday, complete with all the crass consumerism and vapid marketing crap, (the jewelry commercials are the worst offenders) but I just miss my mom. I miss her so damned much. Life has been so weird since she died, and I cannot comprehend the profound ways in which her death has changed me, and not for the better. This morning at the grocery store the bag girl said "Happy Mother's Day" to me in a cheery voice. I wanted to punch her. (Is that bad?) I was offended, not only because I am not a mother but because I just lost mine. I wondered what would make her say that to me when Mother's Day isn't even here for 3 more days. Do I look like someone's MOTHER? It bothered me deeply for a few minutes until I took a deep breath, realized that she was just leaving me with a jaunty surface social greeting and I had to let it all go. In with the good, out with the bad. Breathe. Fucking breathe.
Long time no write.
My computer is incredibly slow today and so am I.
I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't. Business has been abysmally slow, making it difficult to make ends meet. There have been a few days where I wouldn't even leave the house because I didn't even have a dollar to spend. A tightened grip on my cash flow means less dining out and watching every penny I spend. It sucks and it's no fun. I depend on money entirely too much. That makes me think a little about how I should change things so that I don't depend on it for happiness. Or perhaps a better investing strategy.
I've been in a funk too, because Mother's Day is approaching. This will be my first Mother's Day without my mom. It's making me really sad and bringing up all the pain of losing her. I know it's just a Hallmark kind of holiday, complete with all the crass consumerism and vapid marketing crap, (the jewelry commercials are the worst offenders) but I just miss my mom. I miss her so damned much. Life has been so weird since she died, and I cannot comprehend the profound ways in which her death has changed me, and not for the better. This morning at the grocery store the bag girl said "Happy Mother's Day" to me in a cheery voice. I wanted to punch her. (Is that bad?) I was offended, not only because I am not a mother but because I just lost mine. I wondered what would make her say that to me when Mother's Day isn't even here for 3 more days. Do I look like someone's MOTHER? It bothered me deeply for a few minutes until I took a deep breath, realized that she was just leaving me with a jaunty surface social greeting and I had to let it all go. In with the good, out with the bad. Breathe. Fucking breathe.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The Big Kahuna!
This last week I've been very busy painting the signs for the new Kahuna Grill, opening up in the Paseo Neuvo mall. I did the signs for the Goleta restaurant as well. I'm happy and excited that the Kahuna is opening downtown for several reasons. First off, the owner, Dale Dellar, is one of the nicest, warmest most genuine people I've ever known. I want him to succeed because he deserves it and I'm honored to be the one doing these signs. I'm stoked to have my work displayed in such a prominent locale as the big mall in the heart of downtown Santa Barbara! I'm hoping that this will lead to more art business for me. I'm also stoked that the yummy Kahuna will be so close for me to enjoy the plate lunches & burgers. Mmmmm! I hope if you live in the Santa Barbara area you will go to the Kahuna and support them. I know that the rent in that mall is astronomical, and I hope they make it big time. The food is great!
So, please pass it on.
Here's some photos of the progression of all this sign painting...
This is a menu holder before I started it.
And with a base coat.
A few brush strokes.
A little more work...
One of the podium menu stands.
Throw a little stain on it...
Hawaiian explosion!
Spraying the cute little volcanos.
So, please pass it on.
Here's some photos of the progression of all this sign painting...
This is a menu holder before I started it.
And with a base coat.
A few brush strokes.
A little more work...
One of the podium menu stands.
Throw a little stain on it...
Hawaiian explosion!
Spraying the cute little volcanos.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
It's a new week... break out the Advil!
Dear Bloggy,
Wow. Last week was stupefying with the amount of cultural, artistic and entertaining activities I participated in... but more on that later. I have a HUGE painting job to do for the Kahuna Grill, which will be opening this month in Paseo Neuvo Mall downtown. I have a Thursday deadline and it's Tuesday. I'm nowhere near being finished, which is precisely why I'm taking time out to write a quick blog. It's called PROCRASTINATION, folks, and sometimes it actually helps me to get things done. Huh? What? By that I mean I've been meaning to write more blogs and now I'm doing it while I should be doing something else. So the getting done of things is just not in the right order, I suppose.
I've spent a lot of years being hedonistic and just generally having a good ol' time, and lately my thoughts have been turning to how I can make the world a better place.
I don't know where to start. Try being in a better mood? Smile at strangers more? Stop and help someone out on the road? We all have a cause we care about whether it's finding a cure for cancer, saving the environment, finding homes for abandoned pets or people or some other worthwhile cause. I desperately want to leave the world a better place for my having been here, and that's not an easy thing. You have to figure out your passion and go for it. But does your passion help others?
I set my homepage on my computer to GOODSEARCH.COM. If you don't know about them, you should. It's a search engine like Google, (God love Google, I know I do), but Goodsearch donates something to your favorite charity every time you search! My charity is PANCAN, the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. It's something that hits close to home. So every day I can donate a small amount just by doing something I'd be doing already anyhow. It's a really small step, I know, but they've raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for non-profit charities around the world. So check it out.
OK, back to work with me. LOTS and LOTS of fun news coming up, but until then, I hope you are well and happy.
I love you lots,
Sheryl
Wow. Last week was stupefying with the amount of cultural, artistic and entertaining activities I participated in... but more on that later. I have a HUGE painting job to do for the Kahuna Grill, which will be opening this month in Paseo Neuvo Mall downtown. I have a Thursday deadline and it's Tuesday. I'm nowhere near being finished, which is precisely why I'm taking time out to write a quick blog. It's called PROCRASTINATION, folks, and sometimes it actually helps me to get things done. Huh? What? By that I mean I've been meaning to write more blogs and now I'm doing it while I should be doing something else. So the getting done of things is just not in the right order, I suppose.
I've spent a lot of years being hedonistic and just generally having a good ol' time, and lately my thoughts have been turning to how I can make the world a better place.
I don't know where to start. Try being in a better mood? Smile at strangers more? Stop and help someone out on the road? We all have a cause we care about whether it's finding a cure for cancer, saving the environment, finding homes for abandoned pets or people or some other worthwhile cause. I desperately want to leave the world a better place for my having been here, and that's not an easy thing. You have to figure out your passion and go for it. But does your passion help others?
I set my homepage on my computer to GOODSEARCH.COM. If you don't know about them, you should. It's a search engine like Google, (God love Google, I know I do), but Goodsearch donates something to your favorite charity every time you search! My charity is PANCAN, the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. It's something that hits close to home. So every day I can donate a small amount just by doing something I'd be doing already anyhow. It's a really small step, I know, but they've raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for non-profit charities around the world. So check it out.
OK, back to work with me. LOTS and LOTS of fun news coming up, but until then, I hope you are well and happy.
I love you lots,
Sheryl
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The blogs of my friends...
Hello friends,
I'm back from a lovely trip to SF and as usual, many pictures will soon be up for you to see. What a city that is! Everything is happening there and the Bay is so beautiful. Right now I cannot put up the SF blog, I have a big painting job to finish for the new Kahuna Grill, opening up in Paseo Neuvo mall. More on that later...
My friend and fellow artist Tanner Goldbeck works as head designer at Jesse James' West Coast Choppers. Actually, I'm not sure if he's still working there, but he has a new blog and he put up this really cool post. They must have had a cafe there or something, but check it out. It's worth a look:
Click here for Racecar13's Blogspot!
I'm back from a lovely trip to SF and as usual, many pictures will soon be up for you to see. What a city that is! Everything is happening there and the Bay is so beautiful. Right now I cannot put up the SF blog, I have a big painting job to finish for the new Kahuna Grill, opening up in Paseo Neuvo mall. More on that later...
My friend and fellow artist Tanner Goldbeck works as head designer at Jesse James' West Coast Choppers. Actually, I'm not sure if he's still working there, but he has a new blog and he put up this really cool post. They must have had a cafe there or something, but check it out. It's worth a look:
Click here for Racecar13's Blogspot!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
San Francisco, here I come!
I leave tomorrow. Whoo-Hooo!!! I can't wait. This is so overdue. It will be so nice to get on the road and breathe in some different air. Just drive. I wish I were going for a month, but a week will have to do. I'm going to the MOMA for some art, to Amoeba for some music, to the observatory for a little view, to many restaurants to eat yummy food, to see dear friends and spend a whole day at the Korean Imperial Spa where I will be soaked, scrubbed, massaged and rejuvenated. I will spend one night in a hotel by myself where I will read or sleep and enjoy some R&R, the rest of the time will be spent on friend's couches or fold outs. I may try to seek out the little church that Anne Lamott writes about in Marin. I'll spend a couple of days in Oakland and check out the East Bay. I haven't really spent any time there before, so that will be new. Hopefully Louisa will show me around. If anyone else has some good suggestions for me to do or see, please let me know...
Bon Voyage!!!
Bon Voyage!!!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Fun with a camera...
I really enjoy photography. I've never done it professionally, but I take my camera with me EVERYWHERE... I'm always snapping photos to the point of fanaticism, and I find beauty in all places I go. It's so easy to find beauty around here. We are blessed to live in an especially beautiful part of the world. I take deep wonder in it daily.
I am known to pull over in the most dangerous of conditions just to get a good picture. Here are some of my favorites, I took all of them in or around Santa Barbara county. I hope you like them. Please let me know what you think.
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I am known to pull over in the most dangerous of conditions just to get a good picture. Here are some of my favorites, I took all of them in or around Santa Barbara county. I hope you like them. Please let me know what you think.
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