I so often long for quiet afternoons at home with no interruptions so I can just be here, present with only myself and my thoughts, as some way to realize this new reality, come to grips with it. All I seem to want to do lately is clean and organize my house, which is no small task. It soothes me somehow. Yeah, boring, I know, but that's what I'm craving these days, and I never seem to get it for long enough. There are things to be done, errands, grocery shopping, a room I have to rent. And work. Too much work. Can't I just stay HOME for a while?
Today I was going through old boxes of photos and as I looked at pictures of her she seems so vital, so alive and so funny. Her jokey expressions, sunny smile and her playful nature come through in all of the pictures. Those were happier days for us. The last few years weren't as good.
I keep finding little things of hers that came from her house after she died and they often seem like invaders, like they shouldn't be here. Today I found a bunch of padded hangers for the closet. I alternately love having her things and hate having them. On the one hand, I treasure her things, just knowing they belonged to her gives me some sort of connection and comfort, and the real deep down feeling that they belong with me, here. On the other hand, it's jarring to find them around my house. They serve as reminders that she is gone. I feel that they don't belong here and they should just be with her. This is part of my denial. 'What is THIS doing here? It should be at my mom's house' is a common thing my brain says to me all the time.
I think that's going to take a long long time to go away.
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